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That Makes Me Feel Good - Brandy Ellen Writes

That Makes Me Feel Good

I like to live a simple life. A mostly predictable life. I hate conflict and am the type of person who will internalize my sorrows as well as my frustrations as a means to keep the peace. I found out I had anxiety and I worked towards creating a simple life. Then later on, I had more kids, two boys to be exact. I found out that my first born son was a kid who thrived on routine. While later on we had a diagnosis of High Functioning Autistic, we knew before the diagnosis that this boy needed strict routines and a predictable life. I worked hard to adjust and learn ways in which I could be that parent for him and make his world a place where he could thrive.

That Makes Me Feel Good, That Made Me Feel Good.

This made me feel good.

I was able to adapt as a person first and foremost for myself, so that anxiety didn’t consume my life. I quickly removed any negative, mean people from my life and I didn’t care if that meant I was broke and had to climb back up again. Each time that I had to leave a negative situation or remove people from my life, was harder but I did it and I didn’t look back nor did I place blame upon them. Sometimes people simply are not a good match with someone who lives with anxiety and needs certain things in life. For me, I need to be proactive. I like to save money the best I can, to spend as little as humanly possible and make my ends meet as a means to at least know that the responsibility side of my adult life is being taken care of.

This makes me feel good.

After my son was born and we found out that he needed routine, whereas I was a little more spontaneous in nature with activities, I morphed myself into the parent I had to be and figured out how to make that work for my anxiety. I quickly learned how to create a routine and a predictable life across all areas and it honestly helped me as well as my son, for anxiety rarely crept in. I learned to do things that made me feel good. These things were writing, working as my own boss and being there for milestones as well as having adequate sleep to be the patient, loving Mama I desired to continuously be.

This made me feel good.

My kids knew they could come to me, they knew they could count on me and if I said something was going to happen for them – come hell or high water it happened, every single time. I rarely ever let down my kids and if I promised something would happen, it happened. I never made a promise I couldn’t keep. That is until recently. In recent times I got ahead of myself, I started to place trust in areas that I shouldn’t have placed trust in. I started dreaming larger than current date realistically allowed for. Why did I become this sort of dreamer? Well because it sounded like a great idea and that it would all happen. Sadly, none of it has happened. Anxiety just keeps creeping in.

This doesn’t make me feel good.

I’ve learned that dreaming is good, but you have to keep it realistic. I am reminded that I was able to do extra things with my kids because I didn’t do things that cost a ton of money. We were happy to pack up sandwiches and bring bottled water as a means to enjoy a day at the ocean. There wasn’t  any spending of money on snacks or extras, we simply enjoyed being together and were thankful to have the packed up food we brought. Life was simple. It was easier and anxiety was rarely around. Money was saved so that come time for some needs for the kids, I could say yes. They rarely asked for anything extra because they weren’t raised to have extra and they were still happy. You see, kids don’t really need a whole lot of extra from their parents. Kids simply need the attention, the trust and the confidence that they can always count on their parents. I gave that to my kids.

That made me feel good.

Right now I am struggling with some motherhood pains. My oldest will be a legal adult in about three years and that’s making me somewhat sad. My three kids have been disappointed by things that I said we would do over this summer break that we didn’t do. It is just how things played out, and now I give myself a guilt trip over it all. I spend each day, as it nears back to school time, wondering what I could have done or what I can do to make this summer break be familiar to us. That time together laughing and enjoying who we are instead of being anxious and feeling let down. I don’t know if my kids feel let down by the things we had dreamed to do this summer, sometimes parents give themselves a harder time and we think our kids are disappointed when in reality they are fine.

This is simply difficult for me.

I know the kind of Mama I enjoy being. I know the kind of person I am in my heart. I know the type of lifestyle I have to live to be happier and anxiety free {or at least close to it} yet I make choices out of fear based on trying to keep the peace. Based on not being able to stand up for myself because fear places me backwards ten steps, no matter how many steps forward I think I go, backwards again I walk. This struggle is real but it’s my struggle to bear and I know that in time, the right way to resolve will happen. There’s counseling, there are friendships and there’s sleep that can all help to work my way back to what makes me feel good. When I am back to living a life that makes me feel good, I will be the best version of me possible again.

That makes me feel good.

This isn’t a story of anyone except me. A woman trying to get back to who she is in a world that suits her happiness to a T and makes her feel valuable so that anxiety doesn’t take over anymore. My anxious worries are legit in many ways but I can’t seem to resolve them on my own. I speak but I am not heard. I am here but I am not seen. Anxiety happens for a reason, usually a trigger of some sort. I will work to be me fully because I am the only one who can make that amazingly happy girl appear again, no one else. I will find me … again.

That makes me feel good.

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That Makes Me Feel Good, That Made Me Feel Good.

6 thoughts on “That Makes Me Feel Good

  • September 4, 2017 at 6:58 am
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    I understand completely. I too suffer from anxiety. It’s very difficult sometimes. Especially when you are dealing with children who have special needs.

    Reply
  • September 4, 2017 at 10:11 am
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    It’s wonderful that you have such clarity. It’s important to know who we are, and who are kids are too, so that we can be and parent to our fullest potential. Love this post!

    Reply
  • September 4, 2017 at 2:16 pm
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    I totally get this as I suffer from major anxiety, including social anxiety. We have a 12 yo son with ADHD (& anxiety) that needs consistency and routine to function properly -something I have a hard time keeping up with myself. It was a long road but we are in a kind of routine that works for us. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
  • September 4, 2017 at 3:42 pm
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    I can see how all of those little things add up and cause anxiety. They must be difficult to cope with when there’s no clear path towards fixing every problem.

    Reply
  • September 4, 2017 at 6:49 pm
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    I haven’t met a parent who did not have to deal with anxiety at one point. Our kids are grown, and them leaving the nest was difficult for us. However, if I look at it as “our accomplishment” – seeing them finish college, make a living for themselves, carving their niche in society, having kids of their own, is enough to fill our hearts with happiness. We have given them their wings.

    Reply
  • September 4, 2017 at 8:26 pm
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    Anxiety can be absolutely debilitating! I recommend checking with your health care provider about medication options, which can really help.

    Reply

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