I’m reaching, I’m stretching, trying hard to find some positive in the chaos that has been my life lately. As I search to find that positive Brandy, the one I worked so hard to be, I am finding difficulty. Each time I climb up just a little bit and start to feel a bit more positive, chaos strikes again. Currently, I have a substantial amount mom life stuff going on. My main priority in life is kids, so when one if not two or three have issues, stuff for me to help work through – I am there. Currently, I have two kids with stuff that needs to be dealt with, while one is less emotionally trying than the other, both still weigh on me.
High Times of Need
During times of high need from me as a mom, I can get laser-focused on the parenting side of life. Let’s face it, I’ve been a single mom more than not. I have been trained and wired to simply handle things smoothly, efficiently and mostly by myself. I am good with that, I love that self-pride and accomplished feeling that comes with being able to help my children resolve something or solving something that a parent needs to solve for them. I love this part of my life.
Why Chaos? Why?
Yet, lately, it’s just chaos. I literally feel like I am being pulled in about five directions. I have a partner who got hurt a little over a year ago, during that process, he lost a bit of himself and his pride, independence etc and lives with daily pain from that injury. Each day he has to live through the pain that only reminds him of a very difficult time for himself and me. That was a big deal, we could have fallen apart during those times but we did not. Now, as we fight so badly to get independence back, to feel like we are whole again as a couple and as individuals, it’s like I don’t have the emotional strength to deal with it.
Where’s the Balance?
I cannot seem to find the balance of this chaos that goes on. The top priority for me is the kids and my work. I can totally juggle the happy chaos of being a parent, and I don’t care if all three kids have major issues at once, I can raise them in my sleep. When it comes to kids, I can roll with the punches with my eyes closed and without much anxiety. Yet, when it comes to my relationship I want to literally claw my way out of the relationship. I don’t want to be near him. Each attempt he makes to be the man he was that made me fall in love, I pull further away. I literally cannot just pause and accept his warm embrace to show that he loves and cares for me as well as my kids.
Emotional Scale Tips
It’s one of those scenarios where I am not certain how to respond or what to do for my emotional scale is tipping. The chaos consumes me and I feel 100% off kilter. It’s funny I’ve been thinking about everything going on and trying to find a way to get back to me. I even started going to counseling on a weekly basis. I wanted so badly to make things go back to my ideals and ways of living that I know left me with less anxiety. This would be my living as a single mom ways. Living alone with my kids removes the idea that I have to deal with resolving a brokenness of individuality between a couple that once thrived and still does amazingly well when working together. It’s easier to go to a place where everything matches what I felt positive about and where I felt my ideals were met.
Then I opened my email. It’s funny how when times get a little chaotic and I am at a loss for what to do that I get an email with a quote or an email with a new blog post from some of my favorite positive lifestyle writers and it hits the nail on the head. The other day was one of those moments. As I sit here telling my partner that I simply want to come back 100% but it’s like I am only partially there. I have let down my guard from the hurt and pain and accepted his warm embrace to love me and to be the man he was when I fell in love with him. I have a small piece of my heart going back towards him but I still cannot let go completely. I am still hurt. I am still wounded. I still have a lot of mom stuff to focus on that my emotions are there. Life isn’t balanced.
Adjust Our Ideals
This email discussed that life doesn’t have to be balanced, that we make a choice to adjust our ideals. That we can make a change in our mind to look at our chaos that’s right in front of us and choose to see that small percent that is good. If I took a moment to look at that small percent that is good amongst the chaos and emotional rollercoaster of being pulled in many directions, I can see it. I can truly see it. So today I am trying to make a resolution to myself that I can and will move forward. I can and will see that small percent each day in the chaos and the pain. I will resolve to work on what I felt was “normal” all of these years and embrace a new “normal”. Whatever the outcome is, at least I will know that I made a resolve to open my heart and mind to my chaos and give it my best shot knowing that I am trusting my partner to do the same.
Let’s see where this mindset can take us and the kids …. Cheers to the future, whatever it may hold.