I remember back to the day when my first born child came into this world, I was very angry. Inside I didn’t feel whole and I had been struggling with low self-esteem. The prior couple of years had been pretty rough, I had grown extremely anxious and life simply was not what was right for me. I know now, looking back, that I kept hanging onto thinking I was crazy when in reality my instincts told me exactly what was going on but the words of another human made me think I was crazy instead. Finally, as always, the truth came out and I became a single Mom. That full story is private, and will not ever be public on my blog, ever. The point of it is, I was living something that wasn’t a good fit for who I am and in turn, I became a bitter, angry person. Then it happened, my first born child arrived.
No one could have ever prepared me for the deep love I had for this little baby. The love was nearly immediate. I knew right then and there that no matter what happened in life, I would do good by this child and she would have a life that felt happy, secure and was something worth looking back on and smiling. That was all I wished for, to give my child a happy life. What I knew had to be done was to become happy within myself. I had to work to build myself back up and figure out what happy was for me, as a single mom to a baby.
It took a good three years to figure out what happy meant for me. What I needed to really feel complete deep within my soul. Those were a long three years, but thinking back, I don’t think they seemed as long while I was living them. I know it was a tough road, but I got there. Three years later.
I figured out along the way things that worked for me and things that didn’t. I always stumbled and made bad decisions, as do all human beings, but I never got so far off track that I needed to hit any rock bottoms. I ended up having two more children and got married then divorced. I still don’t regret any of that, my ex-husband and I get along just fine. That divorce wasn’t anything like the breakup and happenings with my first born child’s father. Time healed my wounds, I continued to do things that made me feel passionate about life and my kids saw me as that happy Mama. They felt safe, secure and happy. Life was good.
Then more things happened and here I was or rather, here I am, searching for that happy again. What is it at age 36 with three kids makes me feel happy within?! It’s a whole new ball game now, my children are older and no longer need me to attend to them as much. Life got busier. Stress got piled on. Anxiety started to creep back in. I was feeling the same way I felt when I was dealing with my first born child’s father. That anxious feeling, something wasn’t right and being that was the only experience I have to relate the feeling to, well that’s all my brain can use as a reference point. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out why my stomach is literally kicking me to a point where I just feel sick to my gut.
It’s because my instincts are at it again. No matter how much hope I have, or how much I try to avoid dealing with things I have to deal with, old habits die hard – that little bit of hope inside of me says it’s not quite time.
Whatever “it’s not quite time” means, I don’t know. I can’t really tell you but what I can say is this – old habits do die hard. No matter what your intentions are in life, to find that inner happy again or to be a better partner to your loved one or to be a better parent, life happens and we simply stop listening to our instincts. I am totally guilty of that. I literally feel like if I just focus on the hope that the instincts will reroute. I know better. That made me laugh out loud writing it.
As things happened before, the truth eventually came out. I know it will once again come out and at that point, my hope will 100% diminish or 100% grow, depending upon what that truth ends up being. For now, I am just thankful that my kids are happy, they still talk to me about everything and I love being a Mom still more than ever. All other areas in life will take time … time to change, time to heal, time to grow. Just time.