Brandy Ellen Writes

NH Blogger|New England Traveler|Positive Thinker|WAHM
It’s Not Me, It’s You

It’s Not Me, It’s You

Not that long ago I decided to go to a counselor. Things were getting pretty crazy and I was quite honestly, tired of being told that I was crazy every time I cried or tried to stand up for my right to say that I was in an unhealthy relationship and needed to move on. I was tired of playing the games and living the up and down emotional rollercoaster. I was tired of not being able to speak to each other like adults about any serious matter without being told I was beating him up. I was tired of living a life where the only way he could be happy and kind was if I gave him all of my attention. I was simply tired of feeling like I was living with someone who wouldn’t ever be happy unless I put my three kids on the back burner and put him first. While he never asked him to do this in so many words, his need for attention and that “King” feeling became so overwhelming and overbearing that it opened my eyes to the reality that I would never be what this man needed. I just couldn’t be that person and still remain happy and true to myself.

Off to Counseling, I Went

With all of that being said, I decided to go to counseling. I am not one to sit around and whine about the problems, I like to find solutions. Sometimes the solutions aren’t what someone else wants, and you know what? That’s okay. As an adult, we have the right to make a decision that works for who we are. We do not have to make excuses or answer “why” if we don’t want to.  I went into counseling with an open mind. I thought that perhaps he was right, that I was just hormonal and crazy. That is why the relationship lasted as long as it did, he had a way to say things that made me second guess myself. I am also someone who has a high level of hope and patience with people. I hang onto hope in so many situations when I shouldn’t. This is why I went to counseling. I wanted to find out if my hope was something unrealistic. I had questions about whether this relationship was unhealthy or if him telling me I am crazy and hormonal every time I spoke up for myself was the truth. I wanted to mention things from my past and see if perhaps that was true, he often tried saying my past is what’s haunting me. Yet, I knew I had gone to therapy and worked through my own demons. According to him, he hadn’t ever fully handled his own past demons based on the stories he told me. I was so confused by this and my counselor assured me that this was not healthy. I was right to trust my instincts regardless of what anyone else thought or thinks.

Affiliate links:

Guided Meditation for Natural Self Healing - 15:00 MinutesGuided Meditation for Natural Self Healing – 15:00 MinutesJOVIVI 7 Chakras Bracelet Reiki Healing Balancing Round BeadsJOVIVI 7 Chakras Bracelet Reiki Healing Balancing Round BeadsChanasya Super Soft Ultra Plush Healing Thoughts Warm Hugs Posivite Energy Comfort Caring Gift Gray Microfiber Throw Blanket (50Chanasya Super Soft Ultra Plush Healing Thoughts Warm Hugs Posivite Energy Comfort Caring Gift Gray Microfiber Throw Blanket (50Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological AbuseHealing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

It’s not me, it’s you.

Then my counselor and I had a little chat about breaking off relationships. It isn’t easy, even when the relationship is an unhealthy one. Outsiders who’ve never experienced this type of relationship will never fully comprehend how difficult it is for an empath, or anyone for that matter, to leave an unhealthy relationship. Once you’ve bonded with someone it’s not easy to try to break that bond. I had hope. I had thought things would change. I closed my eyes to what happened in the first year of the relationship. I had been conditioned to not cry, to feel that crying meant I was hormonal and out of control. I was trained in that first year that when he didn’t get what he wanted, he walked out the door and left. I was trained later on in the relationship that when he didn’t get what he wanted, sleeping in the garage for three nights made sense to him while he gave the silent treatment to the entire household, even my children. My counselor told me something that’s been running through my head for a long time now; it’s not me, it’s you. Think about that, we often break up with people citing that it’s not them, it’s us. You see it in movies all of the time, “it’s not you, it’s me”. Bologna! Reality is that we leave a person for what they’ve done, aren’t capable of or whatever. When we break off an intimate relationship or even a friendship, it has more to do with how they treated you and not how you treated them. That’s my theory anyways based on the counseling sessions I had.

So at the end of the day, while I hear everyone citing how he wants to play the victim card or broken heart card or how things are different or they’ll change … I say let him do what he needs to do to heal. As long as he isn’t speaking lies or ill about me, there’s nothing I can do about how another person works to heal. Just as I have a right to say that it’s not me, it’s you. He has a right. I can’t control another human being. I can’t get caught up in the rollercoaster that the online world is now seeing, you see? I lived that for 2.5 years. I lived that roller coaster ride of emotions to the point it cracked the deep bond I had built over the years with my kids. It broke me to my core and diminished my self-esteem, confidence, and ability to be happy. I’ve already heard and seen it all, remember, I lived it. It broke my bond with anyone I loved. I didn’t want anyone else to see the true life I was living behind closed doors. I went from being a family woman who spends weekends at her Dads or sisters and having her niece over to a woman who didn’t want to go anywhere because I felt bad leaving him home but I didn’t want him near me. I had more fun with my kids than with him. The kids had more fun with me than with both of us, he was just too unstable at times. He was unstable long before his accident, I just ignored those signs and that is on me. The relationship ended because I was dealing with someone who had become so jealous that he told me “You will not dictate how this relationship ends.” You see, he decided that I was cheating on him.  He convinced himself that it had to be someone else, because why would a woman want to leave him for no reason other than “him”. That’s as simple as this was though, I had to keep going back to my thoughts to think about my counseling sessions and how they made absolute sense. I remained loyal to him and all I got was hurt and broken down to the point that I started feeling depressed and anxious, I was living unhappily.

Affiliate links:

Conflict Is Not AbuseConflict Is Not AbuseTalking about Domestic AbuseTalking about Domestic AbuseBecoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying YourselfBecoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying YourselfTwice Bitten: A Personal Story Of Psychopathic/Narcissistic Abuse And RecoveryTwice Bitten: A Personal Story Of Psychopathic/Narcissistic Abuse And Recovery

Circle Talk Blindsides You

I had to keep digging deep and not letting his circle talk, which I later found out is gaslighting and projecting, get me to change my mind. Even when he was able to convince me to change my mind, I was never 100% convinced that his words were the truth. I simply had to work to build my confidence up, listen to my kids and remember that at the end of the day, my kids only have one childhood and I will be damned I if I continued to have them around someone who was so unhealthy for all of us. I want my children to know that we can forgive people, we can have hope for people and we can feel emotions for people but it’s also okay to step away and know that you matter first. It took the invasion of my privacy to shake me to my core and deplete the one last layer of hope and patience to walk away, or rather stand up for domestic emotional abuse and accept that my kids and I deserved better treatment.

At the end of the day, the reality is that it isn’t me, it’s you. I hope more people stand strong to realize that your truth matters and that you deserve to be treated in a way that makes you feel good more often than not. Healthy relationships will have ups and downs but this went well beyond healthy a long time ago. I am happy to be free. I have my sad days. I have my troubles with training my mind to get back on track with the truth. I have my troubles standing firm that what had been done to me emotionally, mentally and illegally was not acceptable. He repeated his own history, he did to me what he’d done to other woman and that isn’t okay. That is not a man who learned anything and because of that fact alone, I can stand with confidence and say;

It’s not me, it’s you

and move forward toward the light and whole new positive chapter in my life as a single mom to three amazing kids.

16 comments found

  1. Oh Brandy…I can relate to this so much more than you even know. I know I am a few hours away, but if you ever want to meet up somewhere half way for some girl time, I am here for ya. I am SO sorry you are going through this, but you are a STRONG woman and you will survive. <3

    1. Thank you, Robin. We should make some time for a girls day soon. We’ve been connected online for so many years and live so close to not take a chance to meet up for a fun day! I know I could use a girls day.

  2. I am very proud of you for finally taking a stand.
    It took me 11 years of mental abuse to finally leave my ex husband for good.
    I left him several times, but he would always talk me into coming back to him and would say things would be different, he would change.Yes he did change, but for only a few weeks then would be the same person again.Hugs to you

    1. Thank you, Regina, for sharing your story too. I am glad that you were able to get away and try to move forward. I wish you much love and happiness. Thankful for our friendship. xo

  3. I have been in a similar relationship. He was very controlling, manipulative, and so jealous I couldn’t even read a newspaper when he was home because he said it took time away from him. If I went to the grocery store, he timed me and interrogated me when I got home if he thought I was 10 minutes longer than I “should” have been. No one should have to live like that. I am so glad you got out of that situation, and are now taking care of you and your kids.

  4. This is such a lovely story! Thank you for sharing. I started counselling from junior school and got diagnosed with depression after I left secondary. Its hard when society tell you you should be happy and your emotions aren’t valid. I am so glad you are starting a new positive chapter and I wish you all the best x

  5. Love that you are so open and real about life. It is hard to go through these seemingly impossible situations, but knowing other people out there have fought the fight and won makes it seem less impossible. You are an inspiration, thank you!

  6. Oh wow, thanks for sharing this story. I’ve been there too. And it is VERY hard! Good for you for finally getting there and putting your kiddos first. Now I’m a single mama and happier than I’ve ever been!

  7. When you’re in love you’re not aware that you’re in a toxic relationship until it’s too late and it’s eating up who you really are. I think you did the right thing. It’s important to realize that enough is enough.

  8. I love your strength in taking your stand finally. As Alison says, it might be hard to move away from a toxic relationship but once you do that, you’ll pick up the energy to walk with positivity through your journey. Well, it is definitely hard so I commend you for taking a step into counselling; at least, that’s what we need at times.

  9. Thank you so much for being so honest and sharing this! You should be proud of yourself for your strength.

  10. Keep up the great work and stay strong. I had an emotionally abusive family member and it’s very hard to see things for what they are. Sometimes you need to do what’s best for you!

  11. You are such a strong lady and I hope that you raise even stronger kids. It is so good to see that you fought all these 2.5 years and now stand as a strong and fine single mother raising 3 kids. Happy Mother’s Day to you and more power 🙂

  12. Arggghhh I wanna say this to my mother. We are in the middle of a 3-week argument. It’s hard but well, tomorrow, I will know the outcome after our meeting if she has indeed changed. I am tired of the emotional abuse that she gives me

    1. It’s so hard when our parent is like this and inflicts emotional abuse. I have seen many parents like that and it’s hard to get them to see how they make us feel. I personally have a decent relationship with my parents, but I feel for you. I hope that you’re able to work through this with your mom, somehow! Big hugs to you.

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