All I Desire is Peace for Everyone
Occasionally I have to review my analytics and social share counts to keep up with what the popular topics are on my blog. Recently I came across a post about love changing your perspective. The post is still live and live it will stay. It was a good memory and is a part of my past. I tried to change a lot and tried to open my mind to a love that I felt. I tried to listen, I tried to speak, I tried and I tried. I thought we both were trying. I can’t speak my opinion on what another person was doing, whether they felt they were trying or not nor can I judge another person for the actions they decided made sense to do. I have come to peace with the reality that what I was in love with, wasn’t what it seemed. I fell in love with something that seemed so good, not perfect, but good. It didn’t last. That’s it. I won’t have the answers I seek, and if I did, I doubt I’d believe them. It ended with a pretty abrupt ending and some days I struggle with that. I still have no idea why what he did to me and had done to others made sense to him. I still have no idea why he promised he wouldn’t even think to do that to me, yet he did it. I mean I was loyal to him, I truly gave him my whole heart deeper than I gave to anyone else in my life. It’s true. I felt comfortable, and I felt more willing to give up the person I was for this man. Eventually, the comfortable level subsided as my gut was screaming something was up, and well, I found out what was up.
What was up was enough to break my heart. It felt like my heart had been snapped right in two.
No one deserves to live the way I had been living. No one deserves to live in a way that another human can’t even trust you to ask questions, instead they betray your privacy. Real love is about respect, loyalty and not being too scared to ask questions. I asked. I never stopped asking questions. I didn’t care how crazy it made me sound. I didn’t care how it came off when I asked those questions. I asked the questions. Period. Sadly, I didn’t get that same respect in return. I remained loyal. I gave up a lot. I trusted. I loved. I had fun. And now I have to rebuild that hole that’s in my heart. I have to learn that not everyone will betray my trust like that. That not everyone is too afraid to ask questions. Not everyone will handle the insecurity or jealousy or whatever it was in the way that this happened. Not everyone is like this. I have to relearn this, and some days it’s so freaking hard!
At the end of the day, what happened, happened. Neither of us can rewind life backward. I am not one to judge and I won’t judge him for what he did. It was his decision and it’s up to him to feel as if it were a mistake or not. It’s not up to me judge that. What is up to me, is putting my kids first again. Those kids of mine took the back burner for far too long during those days, sometimes due to health stuff and other times simply because I felt I was balancing better than I really was. Hindsight is always 20/20. I really put all of him before them, more than I should have, and I just now realize this. I loved him as much as I loved my kids. He knew that. I was open and honest with him about my feelings. He was open with me about feelings, but after what was done, I am not sure I believe all of that.
What happened, happened and it’s nothing worth blogging about and judging or putting out there. A relationship that I thought was my forever, at least at one point, turned out to be something that tore my heart in two. Each day I have to wake up and remind myself that I don’t have time to cry over this. I don’t have time to dwell. I don’t have time to pass the blame. I just have to accept that what was done, was done and I can’t change it any more than anyone else can. All I can do is lift my head up, type these words and hope that everyone is able to find peace after a breakup. Heartache sucks, but you know what? You can walk away from heartache knowing that you tried your all and that true love is something special. True love will last through everything. It will withstand time. It will withstand space. It will withstand heartache. It will be full of mutual respect, understanding and the ability to trust each other. True love, in my opinion, is something that has a deep bond where two people are comfortable asking questions, being honest and respecting each other.Life's far too short to dwell on what happened, we can't make it go away, but we can work to build our today to be stronger than our yesterday.Click To Tweet
I have to get back to work and raising my kids, they’re growing too quickly. I can’t let myself miss another chance to be the Mama that they deserve. My heart will heal in time, and no matter the pain, sorrow, and disappointment I feel, it’s not my job to wish ill upon anyone. I don’t have a vengeful bone in my body. I just want peace. I am mature enough to realize that what’s meant to be will be and that what goes around comes around. I don’t need to interfere with karma. I only hope that this will be a learning experience for all who were involved and that in time I won’t feel so broken inside. If you’ve recently suffered from heartache, disappointment, or shock, I hope that you’ll also find peace. Life’s far too short to dwell on what happened, we can’t make it go away, but we can work to build our today to be stronger than our yesterday.