On November 16, 2017, I was awoken. After a lot of months spiraling downward mentally based on the bitter feelings of being hurt and disappointed, I made a commitment to myself. No longer would things that disappointed me or betrayed me or left me feeling as if I wasn’t good enough keep me from being the positive person I worked hard to be. I made a commitment to myself after years of committing myself to others. As a work from home Mom, I have to juggle my three kids, which is my favorite job ever. I have to juggle a relationship, which is not always fun. I have to juggle working from home with the person I am in a relationship with, where we work together on some tasks and have to communicate efficiently to make those tasks productive. I have to juggle making sure that dinner is cooked, laundry is clean, dishes are done. I juggle a lot of stuff for a lot of other people. It was time I woke up.
None of my commitments to others are bad. I fully enjoy every aspect of my life, but there has been a lot of hurt based on disappointments in recent time. I found myself consumed with these disappointing thoughts which ultimately caused my mental break down so to speak. While taking a shower my thoughts were no longer of the positive or creative thinking, they were of the bitter and angry thinking. I would hear a song on Pandora radio, that plays while I shower, and break down into tears. What life was I living? Who’s life was I living? I woke up on November 16, 2017, and made a commitment to myself to be better, redirect my thoughts and to continue back upon that path that led me to a positive place oh so many years ago.
I started being kinder. I started being more patient. I started letting go of my insane workload, realizing that I am not the only adult here to financially support the household. I let go of things that were consuming my negative thought patterns and taking up so much space inside of my mind.
As each day has passed since November 16, 2017, I feel more alive. I feel relaxed. I feel perfectly okay saying no to things that aren’t okay with me. I feel confident. I feel self-pride again. I am not ashamed to put my head up high and feel good about all of the clients and friends I have online who provide references, network with me and see that good person I have always been. I started biting my tongue more and reworking what I have to say. My mornings in the showers are now so full of joy. My creative mind flows when that shower water hits my face, I come up with new ideas on how I envision 2018 to go. I think about everyone I work for as a virtual assistant. I think about the good that happened that week. I think about everything that made me smile the day before.
My focus since November 16, 2017, was about making a commitment to myself. This doesn’t take away from my commitments to anyone else, but it does put me as a priority again. It makes me feel more confident, happier and in all honesty, healthier. I smile more. I worry less. I laugh with my kids more. It’s been a really wonderful few weeks and I even made a decision to reduce my work hours for the last two weeks of the year. This time will be spent enjoying family. Doing what I love, writing and organizing. I will continue on in my commitment to myself because it will make me be better for others who I have commitments to as well.
Do not be afraid to pause. If you find that negative thoughts are consuming you, bitterness is sneaking in and you can’t seem to let it go. Take a break. Make a commitment to yourself to get better. Use all the resources you can to figure out a way to bring back the positive. We cannot help getting hurt, that’s part of life, but we can help how we respond to handling that pain.
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