Do it Differently

The more aware I become of my shadow side, which is a lot more intense than the brief bits I am sharing in my blog post series here, perhaps it will be a future book work for me to dive deeper in ways that can help you dig deeper, but for now, on this blog, I am simply trying to share enough to perhaps help myself and others \”do it differently\”.

The key to working through your shadow side is to recognize it, feel it, accept it, and remind it that you are no longer a child. Remind that side of you that it is accepted, loved, and it is a part of you for a reason.

Maybe you\’re outspoken, maybe you\’re confident in your appearance or skills, or maybe you simply have some other part of you that your parents and others tried to simmer you down about because of their fears over how society would see you (really, how society would judge them as they saw you as an extension of self).

At the end of the day, you are now an adult, and you get to choose to do it differently. That said, we often repeat the same patterns. I am super guilty of this. My personal example of this is that I thought for sure I was doing parenting \”differently\” than my parents, and while yes, I believe some of how I parented *was* different, there are parts of my motherhood journey that left my adult daughter feeling similar to how my Mom or Dad made me feel.

The day I learned that I left my daughter feeling a way that my parent(s) had made me feel, but in a different situation (meaning the actions I did were different than what actions my parents took), was one day that I awakened to the reality that we repeat what we do not learn or what we do not fully comprehend.

Annnd let me tell you what, there is so much I don\’t fully comprehend about myself and others. Yet, here I am showing up raw and vulnerable to you all. This is something I feel I hid for a few years because I was fearful, fearful of the judgment, fearful of being told that I was repeating things, or fearful of how it would impact my nearly adult kids, or how someone would react.

But you know what, all of that fear is simply the inner child of myself that thinks I am still back there being a kid, but I am almost 44 years old. I am not a child. I can and am capable of trying to do it differently. I am capable of making a decision, sticking with it, and trying it on for size, but when it doesn\’t work out or it worked out for as long as it was meant to, I can accept that.

I can accept the shift without judgment and without fear of the outcome. I simply trust that I am making the right leap because it is coming from a space within my being that is leading me toward the next season I am meant to walk into and enjoy for as long as I can.

When I first learned that I didn\’t quite do the parenting thing \”differently\” in that I left my daughter feeling similar emotions as I had once felt with my parents, it hurt. I didn\’t lash out at her; I was actually extremely grateful that she felt mostly comfortable confiding in me in that way.

Even though I was grateful, it did hurt. It hurt because I am familiar with that pain, and I am so sad that I had accidentally hurt her feelings in that way. No parent truly wishes to harm their child, at least I believe that – maybe you have a different opinion there, and that is okay.

So the fact of the matter is, that if I didn\’t do that differently than perhaps the times I tried to revisit a relationship or to trust myself, I wasn\’t actually doing it fully or deeply enough to be a change. That said, when it comes to a relationship such as a marriage, that day I finally stood firm on divorce with my sons\’ Dad back in the early 2000s was a day I was confident that we had outgrown each other.

I knew it with my entire being, and while it was somewhat easier when the kids were younger because they were little and I knew in time this would become their normal, the entire situation was about me trusting myself, and then when we decided to try a hand at this again, it was made for the best heartfelt reasons; to have our family together, to show up differently, and to see if we could get it \”right\” this time.

I will be honest, I think that we did do things differently in the last six years. There was more showing up, and some stepping back and so forth to figure out the roles we needed to play that would work to create something we had once visioned for the family. The only missing pieces were my daughter, since she is grown, and my deep passion for a relationship. That passion is something that I need in my life, and it isn\’t from a sexual space, it is from a spiritual space.

The passion comes from a two way communication. The passion comes from someone feeling confident in who they are enough to speak up about their needs or desires or dreams, that makes me see in them LIFE – not necessarily feeling the same or wanting the exact same things – but they are ALIVE with dreams and visions on some level.

They know what they need so to speak, and they have certain things they hope to have in a loving relationship… and they speak up about it. We haven\’t really had that. We stumbled into it, and we attempted it ,and while we were great at making and achieving goals, when it came to a deeper connection point?

It just wasn\’t there.

But as most parents do, we ignored it. We kept it quiet. It grew as this invisible barrier that only got louder with the silence between us and then I finally wanted to express how I am feeling … that we tried, and we did it differently, but in so, there was still a disconnect.

I need space.

I need time.

I don\’t see us … in this way, although we intended to do it differently, it still felt like square peg round hole, and that we are absolutely family, and we absolutely care for each other but we both have some inner child wounding that creates this space between us. As with the first time we tried this, I continue to grow spiritually and learn more about myself to adjust myself and try to be better, and that seemed to cause another growing apart moment in the situation.

Nothing bad. Nothing good. Well, perhaps you could look at it as good. Just like the day my daughter shared her feelings with me about how I made her feel during her time of need, this relationship taught me how I need my partner to show up in my time of need, and how I can better show up to not inflict pain in my partner during their time of need.

So, I guess you can say while we may have grown apart in many ways, we both can walk away from this with such a deep sense of gratitude for the years of being with our sons and giving them amazing experiences, and stepping away learning more about who we are as individuals, what we can gain from this season, and how we can use those tings learned about our self going forward.

I know my spiritual journey is making me feel mixed emotions; sadness, excitement, and gratitude, because each day I am given a day to live is a new way for me to practice all that I have learned through experiences and education in hopes that I can truly, absolutely, without a doubt …

Do it differently and perhaps have a different outcome next time.