Isn’t it funny how one day I woke up to realize that no one actually cared about what I did in my life? As I ventured into this path of living two hours from everything I’ve ever known, and my ex-husband moved with our sons back “home,” I started to see the reality of my inner world?!
Perhaps that’s the point. God can do so many things; He does much work on us, but we neglect to see it until we are ready. Perhaps I won’t be ready to face all the lessons that He intends, but if I do believe, God shows me what I am prepared for and then peels more layers off, because I am open to this journey in my lifetime.
I am open to realizing the truths of my inner world, and the world of human beings.
I am open to seeing things as they are from an energetic perspective, as He sees/feels them.
Sure, I may never fully recognize how God sees/feels this world, but I tell you, I am very sensitive to the energies of this world. I realize the skill of being aware of energies, and being able to accurately predict some things stems from my childhood. I know, intellectually, when I think back to my childhood based on the facts that I can remember; teen parents, drinking problems, younger sibling, and more issues than need to be shared among my self and family members young n old, I realized that my skill of learning to “read the room” those subtle shifts in body language, tone, and energies was a survival skill I had to learn.
It was a skill required for survival, but do I need it that intensely now? Does that sensitive nature need to be fully active at all times today?
I don’t think so.
You see, I am in a safe world. I now have three adult kids, who, yes, live 2 hours or so from me, but are living their lives. They are working, or starting to work, and setting their goals or mission in their adult lives while I am just learning how to ‘survive’ as a MOM in this season.
I am still MOM, but what does that mean when the empty nest arrives?
I am not sure, and so I trust and pray that God will continue to open doors to me, and lighten my heart as I continue to struggle emotionally with this change in seasons. There are days I feel numb. There are days I feel fearful. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. No one really knows this about me, except some in my world regularly, but it is true.
You don’t see it, because I refuse to succumb to temporary emotions that are not necessarily my true reality.
You see, I am safe. I am loved. I am secure. I have good things. I have a great job, and I am involved with the community. All things I desired, I have most of them!
I Am Loved; I have Family
My family speaks to me at times, whenever we both can connect. My children, at least two of them, are in constant communication with me (Thank God for technology), and one of my kids still communicates, but less frequently than the siblinges for small talk is sort of a waste of energy – I get that!
We are still bonded as mom and child; my 3 adult kids & me. That doesn’t change, even if we go without speaking for times.
Trust me, I have had my seasons in life of not speaking to my parents. Both of them have upset me at times, and my immature human-ness didn’t know what else to do but to avoid that entire being, but I am working to be better about speaking kindly what hurts me to them, or just working through it with God if I know there is no closure speaking about it to them.
We All Have Inner Child Wounds; some hurt more than others.
Anyways, all of this shared to say that I finally realized a shadow-ish side of me, if you will. Something that I still struggle with:
I place expectations on myself based on some imaginary expectation I felt someone placed on me.
Okay, let me unpack that.
This means I have come to realize, through God’s work on my heart, that I THINK others have an expectation on me (my life) without any word from them. This can look something like thinking that my children feel I abandoned them even though they do not feel that way. They understand and have shared with me that it is time for me to live my feral life (I have joked about being feral and crazy most of their lives, and so at times it is a funny thing to simply call me feral or crazy).
That said, when I ask my elders or my kids about these expectations or these feelings I experience, thinking that I totally suck as a mom, like “do you think I should move back to our hometown to be close to you?”, or “Do you feel I abandoned you living up in Northern Vermont?”
The responses are almost the same: “Do you want to live up there?” or “Do you want to move back here?!”
The honest answer is no.
I love where I live.
I love the northern part of NH and VT.
This time in my life calls for the calm and sometimes difficult parts of living up here. I MISS MY KIDS, but I have this inner knowing I am where I am supposed to be in this season.
I get to learn new things, connect with new people, and help in the ways God leads me to help. My children are only two hours away; I know many parents who have children across the country, or in another country. I clearly have it pretty easy compared to them, and my children are GOOD. It is their time to figure things out, and I must trust that they are equipped to get it done, and I pray God continues to watch over them, even if not all three believe in God.
This Empty Nest Season as an Eldest Daughter
Okay, so anyways, whether the right term is ‘expectations’ or not, the point is that I place this story on myself that keeps me feeling guilty rather than realizing that I made a calm choice to stay up here for a reason. I was guided by God to stay up here. I know that doors are opening in ways of service to community, friendship, animal work, and partnership in ways that I couldn’t have truly pictured, but I can see it now.
I cannot see it ALL unfold, but what has unfolded is magic in many ways, and it can only be the magic that comes from someone TRUSTING THEIR PATH! Even when I feel sad, don’t want to get out of bed, struggle with what my new identity will be in this season of life; I KNOW, and I TRUST that I am exactly where I need to be, and that no one out there is thinking of me NEARLY as much as I think they are!
It is called main character syndrome, where we seem to think others care about what we are doing far more than they really do because WE are our own main character in this life. The shift from this “syndrome” only begins when we start to live for something greater than ourselves. I call this … GOD, and once called this SOURCE; the word you use is up to you, but it feels like LOVE, PEACE, and HOPE all at once whenever I can pause to align myself back with God.
So today, if you find yourself sinking back into the darkness and anxiety of human life, please remember that no one else is thinking of you as much as you think they are. I say this not to be mean, but rather to remind you that YOU ARE IMPORTANT, and that YOU ARE LOVED, regardless of what you think others feel or expect of you.
Start living for today, without intending to harm others, and live a life that helps you show up in compassion, curiosity, and kindness wherever you go.
If you can do this, you will soon realize that life unfolds in such beautiful ways, and one day you wake up with this inner peace more often than not, and won’t quite have a logical explanation of how it occurred; you just know IT IS.
