Facing Fears and Trusting Your Source

Look at me up there standing still on a bridge above water, where I can see down into the water. Facing a fear.

I\’ve done this before. I continue to have this same fear of bridges over water, especially walking on them, but I keep going across them to face the fear head on.

I won\’t let this fear hold me back from a good hiking adventure, so why do I let the fear of speaking my truth, of asking for what I need, and accepting it isn\’t here?

Why do I punish myself (so to speak) to allow others to have a peace, a peace that *I* am setting for them, not even knowing what their true peace is because I am not them.

I realized something recently – I am a very maternal being. I Love taking care of things, people, plants, etc (although I\’m not good at taking care of plants yet) 🤫 this trait of mine often seeps into a relationship where I seem to place myself in a role that diminishes me.

Then I wake up to realize that no one is taking care of me in that way, and sometimes I have a huge breakdown of tears over this. Like a pity party, if you will. 😲

I have move beyond the immediate memories into some deeper reflection points of younger years – and I can see how I tend to choose a relationship based on care taking, emotionally unavailable, or other things and then when I have something that isn\’t so un-attached like that – I get fearful or it doesn\’t mesh with my other areas.

Mainly values morals and ethics. I mean there are some things I just can\’t be comfortable having in my life and treating others (not even just me or my kids) OTHER PEOPLE like crap, well, I will never forget seeing the facial expressions of those that were harmed by people I\’ve been around.

Mere strangers doing their job having to deal with an adult acting out in a child-ish way – we\’ve all been there, and we are all capable. So if you find that you\’re doing this or you are around this behavior and it is unsettling – remember you cannot fix them, you cannot mother them, you must do what you can do for YOUR SELF, and if you have minors as kids – then for your KIDS sake, too!

Once the kids are adults, it\’s a different picture as now that\’s a little more of your time to find yourself. That\’s the current journey I am on, and thank God I am in a space where I can freely do so. I can speak my truth and I can feel comfortable saying things like,

\”Listen, I am no longer accepting the I don\’t know replies. I can\’t do it any longer. Whatever this is, as it is today? It isn\’t working for me. I can hope for something better, however, it\’s been years of the same thing. It\’s been years of me trying different approaches for connection. It\’s been me diminishing my light and joy, and now having chest pains because God knows this isn\’t right for me and he is letting me know …. it\’s time to do something. It is time to make a choice, and I am making a choice to say I need space and I will not live like this. I hope you can get better. I hope and pray that you find a way to work through whatever blockages you seem to have, but I am not sitting around trying to pretend that I can do the I don\’t know anymore.\”

That chat was so hard to have in some ways, and in other ways very easy. Once you have it, just stay firm on it – don\’t try to back peddle to keep the peace or be a motherly type. You shared your truth. In this case, it isn\’t something I haven\’t chated about before in the last few years. I am now allowing this person to make their choice, while I continue to seek my guidance for what I am supposed to do next.

That\’s new for me, as in the past i would make this choice and just jump with some human decisions of how to make it better or easier. I am not looking for easier, I am being open to learning what I need to work through from old shadow wounds that are showing up in this season. I trust that God will guide me forward with what\’s next for myself and others around me.

You see, I got some advice recently and that was this …

\”If your kid came to you expressing how they are living or the situation that they are in right here right now … what advice would you give them? Whatever that is – learn to give it to yourself and accept it and do something with that advice.\”

And so, my friends, that\’s exactly what I am doing – taking the advice I would give my kids, and quite frankly one of my kids has given me in the last few years – \”This isn\’t the right situation for you, Mama\” …. and so it begins with a question …

What is right for me in this season in life? I continue the work whilst living with my heart wide open … slowly 😜

I think the biggest message I walked away from this conversation with was that I can comprehend what someone is going through to some level. I can read their energy. If I really know the person well, I may even know what\’s going on with them or how this issue arose, but one thing I cannot do – is fix their wounds for them. I can put a bandaid on, and live surface level, but I really am only holding each of us back from our true best version of self if I do that.