Going Back to an Ex

I have written on the topic of going back to an ex many times on this blog over the years, and while I guess it made sense to write about it on some level, I have more experiences to add to the discussion and so it\’s time to do a little update.

I also write on surviving a cluster B style personality ex, which is a long read if you wish to peek at it before diving into this one.

I do feel that getting back with an ex is a fine choice for some, and if you\’re feeling so inclined to do so, then give it a try. I am often found saying that I must make a choice and simply commit to that choice. The choice-making part can be simple if you look at it like this:

The choice will either lead me back to a circle where I am already at to dive deeper into some healing work, or it will lead to a beautiful new experience of laughter and joy with new lessons or challenges to face.

When you look at choices in this manner, it\’s easier to make decisions. At the end of the day, life does not have to be as complicated as we make it out to be. We can easily make a mountain out of a mole hill, they say, so why do that to yourself all of the time?

The reality is that life is meant to be experienced! So get out there and experience it!

If your ex was abusive, though, and you left the relationship completely deteriorated or they committed a crime against you, then the choice should be a big phat NO, you don\’t need to put yourself into that experience again, my friends.

While you may think about an old abusive ex like, \”oh, they changed,\” that\’s fine, let them \”be changed\” with someone else, and practice their \”newfound ways\” with another soul, not yours!

Remember the person that you became after the healing journey from that relationship, and truly trust that you do not need to walk 10 steps backwards because you feel the person has changed. That\’s excellent, if they did, but it is not on you to determine that for a truth or a mistruth.

Should I Go Back with an ex?

Coming from my most recent experience of getting back with an ex, I can say that you will get the same experience twice. Perhaps it lasts a bit longer, because you are changed in some ways, and perhaps they are, too.

If you are both not willing to be self-aware, communicate, and approach each other in ways that help you each feel loved, then you will slip into old patterns. If you always felt like you were the parent in the relationship, having to be the only one bringing a conversation to the table to be met with few (if any) words, and you feel that you are doing more work than they are, getting back with an ex will not suit you well.

The reason being, part of the dissolution of marriage previously (or relationship) was for similar patterns, and if your ex didn\’t do much different work to try to heal while apart from you, then they will absolutely get back to the person they were. It may take longer for you to \”give up\” on that relationship this time around, is all.

Your \”failure\” triggers will keep you held inside that relationship longer. You won\’t want to admit that you made a mistake, or perhaps a choice that literally led you back in a circle loop to where you had been previously, but remember my sentence above, making a choice is easy – you get led back to where you were with the same person, or a new person, or you experience a completely new situaiton.

Well, my friends, sometimes you just circle back to the same experience with the same face (and sometimes a new face) because there was more work to be done inward. In the last six years, I have learned so much more about myself and others. My sons have had the blessing of being with both parents in the same household, as well. They are truly blessed to have two parents who are friends!

But, much like I said earlier, getting back with an ex takes work! It takes being self-aware, it takes stepping up to show up in love as the other feels love, and if you were the only person trying to do that? You become depleted, and you feel alone, and it\’s not okay.

While I cannot say that I feel alone, for I have done a lot of spiritual work to feel more whole within (still, I have work to be done with this), it is sad to have to let go of something you tried again and again, and tried differently, but had the same result.

To me, if you have gotten back with an ex and wake up one day feeling as though you are doing the same thing, just slightly different, then please remember to exit without judging the situation.

You gave it a chance. You showed up. You tried. You get to walk away with a new lesson and more inner work completed. No choice, even if the choice ends up differently than you\’d hoped for, is a waste of your time.

Every choice holds a purpose. We just aren\’t awalsy impressed with the purpose, for we are taught that time is linear, and often we feel we wasted those years. I do not see it this way.

I see each experience as a new way to grow into a better person, and perhaps the other people involved in the experience can find growth within themselves, too!

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