I Enjoy This Small Town Mindset I Have

It’s been said to me many times that I have this small town mindset and I am naive, and I see the good in people who don’t deserve that from me.

I can’t even count the number of times the above sentences have been said to me over and over and over again in my life. Then there are the other meaner things that came from a person who should have been the nurturing one. While those words no longer hurt the way they once did, I still analyze all of them.

I don’t analyze them to the point of anxiety or anger any longer, no. Rather, I enjoy learning more about the insecurities of others that cause them to act the way they do towards their loved ones. This includes parent/child relationships, intimate relationships, business relationships, etc.

I also analyze my own insecurities or trauma responses that show up from time to time, I am not immune to being *that* person, either. I’ve had some doozies of my own doing over my 40 plus year life.

I’ve come to ask more questions of these folks who have done mean things in the past, or not even asked them. I just think back to the chats we’ve had over the years to learn more about what made them to be that way during that particular season in life.

You see, maybe it’s my naivety or small town mindset that helps me be this way, but I do enjoy being who I am. I keep watching the world turn people I love into angry older people and I refuse to let the world do that to me. I will forever “be young at heart”. I want to see the world through the eye of a child forever, I think when we lose that – we become bitter, too cynical, and angry or sad.

I’m not saying that I never feel those types of emotions, I am a human being who feels a spectrum of things throughout the days, weeks, months, and years. I also once was more immature than I am today and believe it or not, had a pretty solid temper on me in my earlier years. 🤣

The relationship between my firstborn’s Dad and I was my life lesson in how I didn’t want to show up in life as I started to be the role model for a young girl. I knew my baby girl needed a better example of parents, and when she was just 3 months old we had an encounter that resulted in a breakup of two violent people. I’m not ashamed of that season, I am confident that I wouldn’t be that person again, and it’s been 21 years or more now, without incident, so I’d say I kept that promise to get through the therapy & to heal some of those inner wounds that caused me to be that way in my early adult years (18-20 years old-ish).

It’s funny because I’ve told my kids about that season in my life, that temper I had. They find it odd that I was once that angry or prone to tempers. I giggle every time. Yup, your Mama ahead a temper, a good one, too (aka bad one).

It’s just that they’ve never really seen it. I had one relationship in 2015 to about 2018 that started to bring that out, because he drove me crazy. Literally, folks!

I’ve had to go to therapy about three times since then to really work out those kinks of “crazy’ that were brought upon me with someone who you’d talk to and think is logical and makes total sense. No. It’s trickery and once you’ve experienced it, you start to see the same patterns even years later when you ahem, shouldn’t have, but did – reach out to try to be “friends” with said person.

Yeah, don’t try to be friends with nonsense. Please. It only makes YOU look like the crazy one and the narcissist or whatever, rather than just being the person who is used to getting along with people and having closure … closure that makes sense in your mind & heart.

None of that season makes sense to my small town mindset and it honestly makes even less sense when I see that the responses, behaviors, and sentence structures are essentially the same as they were and as I was taught by my therapist to watch for.

Sad really. I pray for best for all and don’t judge but this is the part where my small town mindset really drives me bonkers. You see, I really believe that EVERYONE can change for the better. I truly think they can!

I’ve seen it. I’ve done some crappy things in my years of heavy drinking (alcohol) and wouldn’t ever do those things again. I know it. I have repented and continue to try to show up the right way and reduce alcohol in my life to ensure that I don’t behave in such ways.

Alcohol really does fuck with you. I don’t care who you are, it does! Mental health issues are often exacerbated by this drink that so many of you are indulging in frequently and then wonder why you feel sad, depressed, anxious, etc.

I am telling you – watch the food and drink intake my friends – it can transform your mind – but it will be hard and require so much discipline to admit it, and make changes.

I had to learn … learn what I want to prioritize in my life. What do I want to be known as by God? What do I fear most? Being left out and sounding silly or having God see me do wrong things that I am clearly not proud of behind closed doors?

I’d rather try to be the small town, friendly, naive, but also curious like a child, good person who doesn’t allow substances (like alcohol) to change her in ways that she knows will fall short of who she should be on the mission to serve her purpose in this life.

Disclosure for those who may see me with a beer at a campfire this summer; I don’t “never” drink, it’s just something that is barely ever in my life expect a rare occasion like campfire or our boat outings. I know where my limit is for long-term issues from it.

I’ve made so many mistakes and I will make so many more. People will accidentally hurt my heart, and I may accidentally hurt theirs. But the one thing I want to be sure of is that I don’t lose that small town mindset of a naive girl who may be less naive but continues to show compassion, empathy, and love to all humans – even those that other people do shun, we’re all in this together and we are all connected.

I don’t have to have someone in my life that confuses me and makes me feel crazy in order to pray for their well-being and continued healing. I pray this for every one of my human brothers and sisters. I know that we’re all in this together, religious or not, this is a spiritual thing and a human thing.

It’s just being HUMAN.

We are all human beings who deserve love, compassion, empathy, and respect.

While a part of me wishes I could be a friend to all, the bigger part of me who went through therapy sees the signs that I cannot befriend everyone, no matter how much I get called upon to try. It only makes me feel worse and then I have the dreams. Those dreams are for me to know that I am either on the correct or wrong path in my purpose that He sent me to have on this Earth.

Trust your Source, my friends.

Trust Source.

Trust the process.

Much love.

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