And it shows. You see, one day without realizing I just stopped writing from my soul. In my previous relationship, he would stalk my sites and then question what I wrote about and it was not just asking of questions. It was scary back then. I don’t like feeling smothered, stalked, and analyzed for what I write.
I’ve always been an open book. I am an imperfect human being. I love writing from my soul, and since I built a site based on this concept – I think other people come to enjoy what I share based on my experiences.
But I shut down.
I shut you all out.
I became focused on the “finances” and figuring out how to survive for so long, that I neglected my soulful writing. I neglected you. I neglected to open up and be the free spirit I am (and have never been afraid to be until that time in my life).
I was neglecting my soul.
And it showed.
I honestly, did not even realize I was “hiding” so to speak. So much happening in the world. People feel sad, and overwhelmed, as if they’re never going to make it.
I didn’t know what to do, as I never felt that feeling before, and instead of lending some advice and magic from my creative soul, I shut down. I focused on income versus soulful energy that always pays off (emotionally & financially).
When I share my soul with you all out there? I find peace. I find relatable experiences. I find that I am not alone. And you? From what you’ve told me, you also find relatable experiences and feel a little less lonely because of something I shared.
I don’t know why I shut down. I’ve honestly never had someone spy on me before, never mind the kids. I never had such a public fallout with a relationship, you see back when my current other half and I got married (and later divorced, and now back together again) – we didn’t have social media being a huge part of our lives. It was like the beginning stages of social media, but it wasn’t like it is today.
So, that relationship falling out wasn’t so public. But my most recent experience was very public (we built a business together, that I walked away from since there were no contracts to prove ownership on my end & with me having a restraining order on him, well it was the easier route, I had bigger fish to fry – like finding a home for my kids & me) and that was all very hard to swallow. I didn’t want to run that man under the bus, or whatever the saying is. He made mistakes. I made mistakes. I firmly believe he was doing things based on all he knew to do, feeling insecure maybe, or whatever, it’s not my job to analyze him nor is it my job to make excuses.
It was wrong, but it’s whatever. God is the ultimate judge, not me.
It was (and is) my job to analyze me. And instead of sharing that online, I secluded myself. I had two summers of being “homeless”. Technically one summer I stayed at my Dad & Bonus Mama, so that wasn’t fully homeless, but the next summer? I was fully homeless living on the road. Literally.
I just needed to survive, and so I was in survival mode. And when one is in survival mode? They tend to shut down and not be very creative.
I thank God that my clients are SEO content clients, or else they would have dwindled off, too. But they needed logical, data-driven content which I could (and still can) do for them. I won’t ever stop being grateful for the freelance writing business I built. It’s still one of these “pinch me” kind of business things I run. Like, is this real?! I am doing it … the childhood writer dream came to fruition
Anyway, the point of sharing this and all my rambles is to be honest and raw about shutting down. To be honest about secluding myself to survive. To be honest, sometimes life throws a really hard curveball at us and it takes A LOT OF YEARS to get onto the other side to talk about it.
No, I am not really going to share all of the ins and outs of the scenario that had me seclude myself in survival mode. The story and what happened is for us to know in the private world (and whatever was shared back then publicly – there are 2 sides to every story & somewhere in the middle lies the truth), but the general experiences and lessons learned, feelings involved, and how to overcome similar situations?
Well, that’s open season and I want to help others overcome similar circumstances so that they know they can survive these unpredictable, heart-aching moments that life throws at us. I am here living proof that you can and will get to the other side if you find the light.
Just find the light …. jot down your feelings throughout the day so you can see firsthand how, no matter how hard life gets, there are still some silver linings in each day for you to focus on.
Until next time, keep living. You matter!