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If I can change, Why Can’t They?

Today I want to talk a bit about whether or not you think you can change, and how I assume that you would say yes about yourself, but not yes about a certain someone from your past or in your current life. I want to discuss why you’d say yes that you can change a habit or behavioral pattern, but maybe you don’t think that of others.

Let’s dive in …

Now, if I asked you whether or not you could change a specific thing you might pause to wonder if that’s possible or not but for the most part —> I bet you believe that you could change a habit overall.

In the general sense, most human beings believe that they can change something. They can change their belief patterns, they can learn from mistakes, and they can change anything that they set their mind to.

But what I find most fascinating about humans is that when asked the same question about an ex-husband, wife, partner, etc, if you ask that same question about an ex romantic partner they will say that the person cannot change. They may even go on to start dishing out all of the reasons why this ex cannot change.

They may even share reasonable excuses such as they did this to all of their ex-girlfriends including me, so why could they change? Essentially this is what you’re saying:

Based on my data and experiences with this human, they cannot change for this is a pattern of behavior. A repetitive condition this person has or does and I do not see them changing. I mean, obviously, if they could have changed, they would have changed ‘for me’, right?! 


And believe me, I’ve done this same thing. I’ve had this same mindset, without realizing it. I was all about how I can change, and I am always learning and growing but alas that ex who was a pain in my ass? Nope, he couldn’t change. Nope. Nope. Nope.

How arrogant of me. We all do it though.

And you may have valid points here I am not going to argue this, and I am a skeptic of certain personality types being able to change, however, just because I am a skeptic does not mean that I don’t believe that they could change.

I do believe that any one of my exes could have changed over the years. Although I didn’t really have many that I feel were all that “bad”, to be honest. Just maybe 2 or 3. 😂 I believe that your exes could have changed over the years. Or days … you just never know.

I try to keep an open mind about people being able to change because I feel like it is egotistical to think that only I can change. That’s it. Just me. I am the only human to grasp the concept of growing into a better human based on my previous experiences and choices.



That Teen or Toddler Mindset Gets Us

I feel that is a teenager or toddler mindset, that is if toddlers were thinking of this kind of stuff. I think that the older you get, the more mature you should get and the wiser you should get, that you should start to realize and have this ah-ha moment of 

“Oh wait, if I can change and I can be better, and no I wouldn’t do that same thing to a person I did that to 20 years ago. I wouldn’t do that same thing if given the chance to be in the same experience right now. I wouldn’t make that same choice again.”

So, why is it that I don’t allow that thought to cross my mind about an ex? And I think it’s just human beings. I honestly think that we are egostically. Our ego hides us from the things we can think and become.

I invite you to open your mind a little bit about that thought process of how you think you can change, but you don’t believe an ex who was rotten to you or just any ex can change.


I want you to revisit that conversation in your head. And make it make sense. Because I know I can’t. I have wrestled with this idea for a few years now, and I am like oh, ya know. That’s being a hypocrite and very egotistical for me to think like that ….

So, if they can change … what if …

So now that we got that out of the way you know where I stand and what I believe. I believe everyone can change, including a rotten ex, an ex who harmed you and/or your kids. I believe if they are human beings they could change.

I believe they can change as much as you and I because most of us have done wrong things. It’s kind of human nature, we are dark and light. I believe we’re mostly light, but hey there’s a little bit of dark there.

I am just curious if you think you could possibly change your pattern of thought to this mindset of “if I can change, then they can change”…


Do not Go Back With a Changed Mindset – Few Can Do this

But, even if you open your mind to it, do not let yourself get back with an ex who did something wrong to you. Like an ex who did something to hurt your life, destroy your family, kids, whatever it may be. Do not get back with an ex just because you *believe* they can change. That’s not a good enough reason, ever.

Just because you opened your mind and you’re like “ok yup, they can change” just because you changed your mindset and believe they can change, doesn’t mean that you need to open up your life to them and open that door that was nailed shut. They may not show up better in your life, to be honest.

What it does mean is that much like yourself, you need to allow your ex to live well not even “allow” that is sort of an arrogant word, but you need to realize that this ex resides in this world, they are human, and that they are capable of changing as much as you and I are.

They can live on Earth somewhere and that’s fine, but you wish them well and carry on with your life.

It is not your business, my friend

What your ex is doing in their life is none of your business. That is it. I know that social media in our culture makes it easy to be tempted to peek at an ex and your ego is going to try to tempt you to revisit this ex just to prove yourself right or wrong.

Do not be tempted. It’s none of your business.

Just do not do it.

If you don’t want them spying on you, then do not go spying on them.


I want you to remember that just because they can change, and that they may marry or date other people, you just wish them the best because they are another human being. You have that boundary up, that they are not allowed in your life again.

And the reason I say to leave it alone, do not spy, and keep that door closed is that if an ex did wrong to you then left you depleted in any way shape, or form, or whatever was just not the good fit for you, often you’ve given them plenty of chances to change during your chapters with them.

That relationship had enough chances and all efforts were exhausted. Do not go in reverse.


And the last point about this is that even though two people may have split up and gone different paths, done some therapy and got some coaching, and done some healing they worked and helped change themselves .. if both of you get back together there is a high percentage chance that and I don’t have data to back this up but maybe there is some somewhere …

In my opinion, based on what I’ve witnessed and done and experienced in my own life, there’s a high percent chance that even though both of you have changed and grown when you get back together you both will fall into the old patterns of behavior and roles unless you stay awake and conscious, mindful, and make daily decisions of coming from a place of love and know that you’re both capable of slipping back into those patterns.

A Rare few Could be mindful enough to make this work … again

It will be hard work, and you could do it, but a very rare few will be able to remain mindful enough to let that growth come back to the same relationship after being apart and hurt so deeply previously. Few people can do this and make it in the long run, if you are one of those rare people I am so happy for you and I wish you the absolute best as a couple.

If you’re someone who cannot do this hard work, then let your ex do whatever the heck they’re doing, it’s their life to live, and move forward practicing all that you’ve learned and grown from during the years in a new healthier relationship.

That is, once you’re ready for a new healthy relationship. *wink wink*


The last point to make is this: just pray and hope that your ex will do better this time around and no longer harm other humans in the process of them living their life. That’s all you can do. Wish them well.

And I always wish the best for everyone, because I know I’ve been at my worst and done awful unspeakable things and I am no different than you or my ex or my other ex, or my relative that bothers me or whatever, we are all human and we are all here just trying to do our best and I believe that we are all spiritual beings on a spiritual journey to learn as much as we can about humans so today I am sharing some of what I’ve learned about humans over the years.

I hope you enjoyed this… and do share it with a friend who needs to hear it.


Brandy Ellen


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