I walked into the ER one day. I felt dizzy, faint, and pretty much knew something wasn’t quite right. Normally I would just go to sleep and ignore this feeling, but thankfully I listened to my gut and went to the hospital. Once there, I found out that my blood pressure was 180 something over 100 something. Higher than it’s ever been since my high blood pressure diagnosis many moons ago.
In all honesty, life was getting pretty rough. Things were spiraling out of control. I had started to just let people be in my life, who didn’t deserve nor need to be there. My last living situation really took a toll on me. I won’t get into the details, but I felt like my past was haunting me.
The trauma was coming back and so was the anxiety of feeling stuck. My body decided to give me a little scare. I guess it’s true, your body does know you best.
That night at the ER the triage nurse, or whatever his proper title is, asked me some real-life questions. We chatted, he was blunt, and I thanked him for his bluntness. I recall telling the ER nurse that I was going to live in a tent with my three kids for the summer. He about died laughing. “What are you going to live in a circus tent? You have three kids, right? Preteens and teens, right?!” I replied that yes that’s true, but living in a tent will bring us closer and reduce my stress, I firmly believed that in the moment.
No. He wasn’t having it. He firmly told me that’s not a reasonable answer, and told me that he’s seen women who’ve been what I’ve been through with an abusive relationship continue to make bad decisions and spiral into bad relationships over and over again. We had a long, heartfelt discussion about life, relationships, and business. It really helped me see another perspective of myself, and how I handle things.
While I see the glass as half full and tend to see positive in life, my body was screaming at me that things weren’t working. My body wasn’t seeing the glass as half full, and it decided to inform me that life as I knew it was not working for my health.
I still remember the words he said to me, “No one is going to save you. I know that you had that drilled into your head, as do most victims of abuse, but seriously. No one is going to save you, except yourself!” I know this. I mean, really I’ve never been “saved” by anyone except myself. Sure I have family and friends that help with emotional support but at the end of the day? I’ve been doing a lot all by my damn self. I knew it was going to be ME who saved MYSELF, but part of me just wished someone would swoop in and solve everything. I just had grown too tired of it all!
I had grown so weak from being screwed mentally by another human, life, therapy, living without my kids, living with my kids, running a business, attempting to do it all that I literally wanted to give up for the first time in my entire life!
And so I left the ER with a whole new mindset. A new focus, if you will. A reality that while I love seeing things in a positive light…
Sometimes life does suck and it’s okay to acknowledge the sucky stuff and crappy feelings so that you can be more open-minded to following what will work for your health and happiness.
I left that ER with a whole new train of thought. I stood up to remove people who didn’t deserve a spot in my life, who were causing more stress. I made a decision to get away from what I thought had been a good decision for a home, but in all reality, it only triggered past trauma due to the set up of the place, including recording devices that I wasn’t made privy of before moving in {a sensitive subject for someone who was previously spied on in a domestic abuse spying situation}, and that nearly cost me my life with stroke level blood pressure.
I started over, without really knowing where I was going. I just listened to my emotions or instincts as I normally would say. I didn’t do this on my own, my therapist helped me get there, and so did that ER nurse. Friends and family helped too. It took a village!
So really … someone did save me!While yes, it was placed in my hands to accept the reality and embrace that things were not working best for my health and happiness, it ultimately was a therapist, an ER nurse, family, and friends who ultimately SAVED ME.
Therapy Saved Me
I had to be brutally honest in therapy. I firmly believe in counseling, but you have to be honest. You have to get down to the nitty-gritty side of you. Admit feelings that you don’t share with anyone, and in turn, listen to what your therapist says they hear you saying. This therapist and two before him were part of the people who saved me. This last therapist reminded me to feel my emotions. He said after my traumatic experience I simply started to push my emotions down, but in all reality, I probably was doing that long before that situation.
He was right! I noticed as I’ve been being more consciously aware of my feelings. The feelings that someone doesn’t like me. The feeling that someone will leave me. The feeling that I’m not good enough. Those negative thoughts our mind tells us, usually due to overthinking or anxiety were screaming at me and making me push feelings down. I stopped dealing with the feelings or my instincts, and just let everyone else lead the way in life. That’s a huge part of what caused my health breakdown.
So I started to feel again. I let my heart lead the way. I went with what felt right. I went with what had worked all along, but I was too blind to see it.
My Kids Saved Me
My teen was pretty upset with me. I was hanging out with someone who wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t a good friend, and yet I thought he was. I was blind to the fact that he was very similar to my ex who caused a lot of emotional strain on me and broke my spirit over years of bullshit. I didn’t see it in this new friend, but it was there. Therapy helped with that too! By getting away from the stressors of life that were taking me back to a negative, hurtful place, I was able to hear my teen again and in turn, my family saved me.
Listening to what the kids felt, heard, and believed that had changed in me, helped me see things I needed to work on again. While I was upset with myself, so upset, I listened and made a promise to myself to be better, do better, and get better! They saved me.
The Boys’ Dad Saved Me
I told my then ex-husband, that I was going to live in a tent with our sons and my oldest. Of course, he wasn’t quite sure what I was thinking. He is used to my crazy thoughts and decisions, but usually, they’re a little saner on the surface. The thing is? He was facing a situation that would leave him trying to find a place too. We talked a lot. We were there for each other during this time of need. I realized then and there that even though we’d been separated and divorced for gosh, just around 10 years, that we’ve always had each other’s backs. No questions asked. No expectations.
This man has been there positively co-parenting with me for years. He trusts my instinct as a mom and never, ever put our boys second in life. In all honesty, he’s always been my best friend, even before our parenting adventures. His best friend status did make others jealous from time to time but I never thought anything of it. He’s a good man. Period. Always has been.
One night he asked about camping with us. It was going to be “his weekend” anyways, and he loves camping. So I said yes, why not?! We’ve always been friends and gotten along, I saw no problem with it. He had his own tent, and I had tents for the rest of us. In time, I helped him get his belongings into storage and we decided to go camping at Crows Nest Campground. Neither of us realized this would lead to our current chapter in life, but we’re pretty confident and happy where we’re at now. He saved me. I saved him. Together we saved our family.
We spent hours upon hours talking over the campfire light, we opened up to each other more than we had in years. Together, united, we started to figure out how to handle the summer. Through his good listening skills and lack of expectations from me, he saved me, he truly helped me get a bit further along in my health and happiness, simply by being there for me.
Conclusion – No One Is Going To Save You
In all honesty, no “one” is going to save you. At the end of the day it takes a village and it takes a human that’s willing to look in the mirror to find those flaws. We all have flaws. We all have imperfections. We all have coping mechanisms we’ve built around our hearts to help protect us from the pain that comes when we allow someone to get too close and they shatter our world.
After years of disappointment, sadness, and brain manipulation, I believe that it’s so true that no ONE is going to save YOU. It will be a village that saves you.
I’ve learned slowly that it took a village to save me. It took a village of people who’ve been there for years, who know my imperfections best. To love me enough to be blunt. To care about me enough to speak up about my changes since the traumatic experiences. To love me without conditions. To encourage me to do what I feel is right, not to do what benefits them or feels right to them. To encourage me to always be true to my purpose in life – which is to always live, learn and grow while inspiring others to do the same (in their own way, of course).
So today, I sit here typing this blog post to tell you that no one saved me, a whole hell lot of people saved me. To them, you know who we are, I say thank you. I’m blessed to have known those who helped along the way (therapist and ER nurse) as well as truly blessed beyond measure to have those who are still standing here, being my support during those weak moments as I work to be that strong woman again, finding my light again, and working to listen to my instincts all over again.
I lift my glass and say CHEERS, cheers to those who love us without conditions and always see the best in us, even during our most difficult days.
Related Content:
Four Creative Hobbies to Take Up for Stress Relief
{Rambles of the Day} The Reality of Mental Abuse
Spying is Domestic Abuse in Many Cases
Rising Up After The Bad – What I’ve Learned