Patterns of Behavior

I was in my car and asked my daughter, \”Wait, have I changed from back then?\” It was a genuine question because lately I have been wondering if I am making the same choices with different humans, and if perhaps, maybe, just maybe, I haven\’t changed as much as I thought I had.

My daughter reassured me that it seems as though I have changed. They said, \”No, you are not the same person you were back then. Yes, you have changed.\” Perhaps it was my abilities to see through the fog of deception with someone, or maybe it was my ability to stand firm in my realization of a relationship that was truly created mostly from practical reasons, and then my abilty to honestly say that I need some time to learn who I am in this season, and not let fear of the unkonwn stop me.

I am not sure what it is, but I do agree, in many ways, I have changed, and it makes sense. Every 7 years or so, we shed our cells to essentially become a completely different person. This means it isn\’t that far fetched to think that we change, and that we have changed from the last 10 years or so.

I have changed.

Wow. Let that sit in with you and soak in the glory that is a person who has taken life experiences and transmuted them into life lessons to hold onto. That is alchemy, withcraft as they once called it, my friends!

Pure magic!

Patterns I\’ve Recognized

There have been a lot of patterns within myself that I started to recognize this past year. For starters, I realized that my sons\’ Dad is my safety net. He is a good egg, and we meant well, but we always try to make this thing work on a level it isn\’t meant to work.

Many people will look at me annoyed, disappointed, or concerned when I say this, but in my entire being, I can sense when something is right or not right for me. I just know. Always have, and sadly, I was trained to ignore this.

Not out of malicious intent, more so out of worry about my future, or perhaps just how we are domesticated in this world. I was taught that a man with a stable job, and such is good. I will have finances covered, and can rest easier.

The reality is that my \”safety net\” was not a safety net. When I pause to reflect on our choices of money expenditures, the debt that piled up, and other factors, I realize that for 1, it wasn\’t what I kept telling myself it was in that area, and the relationship itself was less of a connection between two humans in love than it was a good business contract to raise kids.

The term rolemate comes to mind. Check this out.

I realized this one day as I sat in the living room, looked over at him, and said, \”I think our issue is that we just slip into treating each other like co-parents. We don\’t seem to be physically attractive to each other, kissing or hugging isn\’t really our thing, and it often feels awkward or uncomfortable when we try to be this affectionate in the past. But we raise our boys decently, we\’ve given them 2 parents under the same roof for the last 6 years, but for us personally, there is just something \’missing\’ and I am willing to bet if you are capable of pausing and letting go of the story you\’ve told yourself about what it means to be a husband or father, that you can sense this truth, as well.\”

We are just trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. That is the best way to describe it. I can\’t say it was drifting apart as occurs in marriages; I feel it was that we could only pretend for so long. Letting the mismatched parts of us get shoved down to appease those around us. A story we told ourselves is that we must do what we think our elders expect of us, and in doing so, we both tried this thing that does not quite work in this form.

Some say it is sad, and sure it is. I didn\’t much like telling our sons that we filed for divorce and were breaking up. That was hard, as they are older now and again, I told myself a story that this would matter to them on a much deeper level. But all we got was a nod, and that this doesn\’t much change anything because that\’s mostly how we have been living for years.

No lies detected. We just had to tell them, for we had already said we would be living apart, them trying to get back home to the Newport area and me staying up here where my entire being belongs.

But anyway, it was hard. I don\’t share it a lot because, well, it\’s private, and everyone will have an opinion, but I have to share it here in this post, for it is a habit I have. This pattern of choosing a relationship based on what\’s practical, not what is aligned with both practicality and the heart center.

I also choose a relationship based on the love someone else needs; the nurturer in me does this, and that isn\’t a choice for what I need to be loved. It is hard to admit these things …

I needed to take all that I have learned about relationships, review my patterns, and think about what I wanted. I did that one day, I pulled this from that relationship, and another ingredient from another relationship, oh, and this personality from that one, to \”create\” a man that would be a heart and mind-centered connection for me.

I then put that out into the universe and mostly had forgotten about the intent I set there.

Working on Shadows

Once I realized and said out loud where I was with this, I could start working on inner stuff. I slowly watched over the last year as I attempted to think that my spiritual work would align me closer to him, it did not.

I tried. I literally convinced myself that maybe it was working, and that I could do this, but I could not.

You see, I don\’t give up easily with relationships. I will legit deplete myself totally in the name of not wanting to let others down. In the name of not trusting myself, for a shadow side of me is that I think I am not worthy of the love I see in my dreams.

I fear those emotional connections that are so deeply embedded that I will get hurt. This marriage was safe. I wouldn\’t get hurt, for there wasn\’t that type of deep connection with the heart that would hurt if it didn\’t work out. My hurt, honestly, stems more from a story we had that didn\’t pan out, and perhaps a hurt of wondering if the boys would feel hurt, but they seem to be like whatever. They are 17 and 19 after all. The boys are more interested in getting their adult life going, and they know their parents are friends, so it\’s not the end of the world.

I had to pause and realize that something I do often is …

Strip myself of all things important to me to appease others

This looks like me draining bank accounts, going into debt, and more, just to make sure that everyone else is taken care of. That their dreams are possible or that their stress level is lower.

This looks like me draining my energy levels to make sure that everyone around me is feeling OK and that their emotional needs are met. That their emotional needs are more important than mine.

There are many ways in which I strip myself of all things important to me to appease others, and while this serves well in the years of motherhood to some extent, I am doing this in all connections I have or had. My kids are grown, and it is time for me to be a bit more selfish in a healthy way. (I am looking at you over there, mister or misses parent unit who has not allowed their self any goodness that works for themselves because you\’ve been putting the kids first for far too long – it is your turn now – you can love your kids and find what is RIGHT for you in this season, as well) …

• I have taken time to create my ideal partner vision.
• I have taken time to envision what I want to do for work and service up here in the North Country.
• I have taught myself to pause and calmly speak what is good or not for me.
• I have taken time to know that I can say NO or YES in the best way possible so that it aligns with the future I\’ve always yearned for.

The key here is that I have taken time, and will continue to take all the time I need to make sure that when I say YES, it is truly for the best, and when I say NO, it is coming from a wholeness within me rather than fear.

These are not easy things to do, my friends. When you pause and evaluate your life to find that the last years were not quite what you had told yourself they were … it is hard to admit that and then take action.

So, if you have taken a pause and learned that you have some patterns, but you do not know what to do from here, let\’s chat! It\’s easy to let yourself exist in a situation simply because the idea of changing it is too much, and you get overwhelmed at the thought of it.

Trust me, what I am going through right now, although the right choice, is overwhelming at times. I have learned various techniques to trust the process and practice daily rituals to start my day off calm, and come back to that state of calm and trust throughout the day.

I would love to help others with this process and help you find a technique that works to help you achieve the goal of becoming more aligned with the right lifestyle for yourself. Get into my calendar for a Goal Mapping Session, where we will discuss this situation you are in, and the patterns you have to try to formulate a plan (or map) that will guide you forward in one adjustment to feel more confident about making a change in your life.

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