Everyone’s situation is different. Everyone processes things differently. Mental, verbal, emotional abuse is personal. No outsider can tell you that you’re not being abused. This type of abuse is a feeling. That crippling feeling that a person you love so deeply is tearing you down. Making you second guess everything that you stand for. Making you feel worthless. Making you think that there’s no way you can ever live without their love or friendship.
The Reality of Mental Abuse
Mental Abuse is Real
Mental abuse is legit. Mental abuse is real. I’ve watched others go through emotional abuse. I’ve been their friend. I’ve listened to their feelings, thoughts and helped them rise above. I’ve always been that friend that people turn to when they’re in their time of need. I was that person. I don’t feel like that person anymore. I let a man into my life that brainwashed me, stole my heart, and stomped on it.
Nothing ‘Normal’ About It
This wasn’t a normal heartbreak. When I finally was able to find out that he was spying on me, he was removed from my life. Physically removed. I don’t care if he went “willingly” when police had him served. It’s a simple fact that I had been begging this man to leave. I had been begging him to respect my feelings, respect my wishes, to let me live in peace and leave my kids and me alone. He couldn’t respect those wishes. Instead, he moved into the office. He lived in the office to “give me space”, all the while he was spying on me the whole darn time. Space? What a joke.
I Still Feel Anger
There are days I still get angry, but not at him. I get angry at myself for not opening my eyes. I get angry at myself for not realizing the extent of evil that resides in this man. You know, the man who emotionally destroyed me. The man who told me of the things he’d done to his exes, and here I was thinking that I was special. That this man wouldn’t do those things to me. Silly me, for being a fool. I get angry at myself for this.
Learn to Forgive
I’ve had to learn to forgive myself. I’m learning how to trust and love again. To trust and love me, not another man. I don’t need another man, the worst thing anyone can do when healing from emotional abuse is to cling to another relationship. That’s the last thing I need and it’s the last thing I desire. What some people don’t realize, unless they’ve experienced this deep pain, is that the idea of another person being near you petrifies you. It scares me to my core. I know I am not healed. I know my goals and focus, but some days, I am just sad.
Still a Struggle
I still struggle with the things that this man twisted around to make me feel like I was the broken one. No. I wasn’t the broken one, at least not as broken as he twisted me around to be. I didn’t do an illegal activity to ‘spy’ because I thought he was with someone else. I didn’t betray his privacy or do anything to destroy his trust. I loved him, without conditions. I let him rule the world, I encouraged his dreams, while I let mine sit on the back burner. I did so much and in turn? I got spat on.
I got belittled so deeply that I am still climbing back up. I am still trying to find my self-esteem that got lost during this process. I am still trying to comprehend how someone who I loved so damn deeply could have treated me like I was just another pawn in his life. I was someone he manipulated, someone he saw who would take care of him, and someone he trained to put their own kids on the back burner while supporting his crazy dreams that rarely led much further than his dream idea being started.
I Pray, I Don’t Hate Evil
At the end of the day, I pray that he finds a way to be a better man, to get rid of whatever it is inside of him that makes him spy on his exes, to get rid of whatever pain resides within his soul to make him so insecure that brainwashing, spying, and belittling is what makes him feel power. In all reality though, I don’t care what he does or how he feels. I lived the life of pain and suffering. I lived in fear. I lived knowing I could never speak up. I lived knowing that at any point he could have started spying, and guess what? He did. I can’t take back the past, all I can do is remember what this man did to me so that I never, ever, ever let another person treat me this way again.
Healing & Motherhood
In the meantime, all I can do is try to heal. I have no idea what the right process is for healing from mental abuse. It’s a mind game, really. You have to wake up each day remaining firm that you have goals and dreams. You have to wake up every day reminding yourself that your kids are watching you, they want to see how you rise above what just happened to you. They are learning from you.
At the end of the day, when you’re a parent who’s suffered from mental abuse, you have to remember the kids. They also went through this, maybe not directly but indirectly they watched their parent get taken on a ride of their life. They watched their parent cry. They watched their parent be mistreated. They watched as a “man” showed them exactly how a man shouldn’t ever be to any human being. They watched a real-life example of how mental abuse impacts an entire household.
Time Will Heal
I’m resilient and thankfully kids are as well. I will heal, but it won’t be through another man or relationship, the healing will come from somewhere deep within my soul. This will make me stronger and it will ultimately teach my kids that when someone comes into your life and abuses you, that you do not ever, ever let them get away with it. You stand up for what is right and once you get away from that situation, you take time to heal. You find a hobby. You find friends. You do not find another relationship, because that will never allow you the time to heal fully from what you just went through.
It’s Okay to be Human
There will be days when you miss this person after all even evil has a good side at times. Remember that it’s okay to feel that feeling. It’s okay to miss the memories that were actually good times. It’s okay to remember the portions of good that resided within a man who abused you. It’s okay to see light where darkness resides. You are human and if this person “took to you” then you’re probably also a very kind, giving, nurturing person. You can find that person again, but you can’t do it if you’re smothering yourself with the idea that the good times ever made up for the evil that left you sitting here broken down crying. Be strong. You will find your way again, as will I and my kiddos.