There are many situations that fall under Domestic Abuse. I personally knew that emotional and physical abuse were part of the Domestic Abuse statute. Most human beings know the basic level of an abusive relationship. It’s those obvious things you see in the movies and hear about from your friends. We’ve all had at least one personal experience with an abusive relationship. This could be a friend, a family member or yourself. Domestic Abuse hurts everyone and it shatters the inner core of who are you.

I will be quite frank when it comes to the topic of Domestic Abuse, the reason is that we live in this society where people get offended far too easily and we cry abuse when someone hurts our feelings. It’s something I’ve seen occur more and more often as we head forward in some new direction that I’m unfamiliar with. For me personally, I don’t see abuse classified as something that offended me or hurt my feelings. I think of abuse as something much deeper and harmful than the average hurt feelings and in recent times, something that most people would only see in a Lifetime movie. The part of an abusive relationship that I want to address is spying.

Spying is Domestic Abuse in Many Cases

What is Spying?

As it pertains to a domestic relationship, spying, in my opinion, is when you stalk someone’s every waking moment. This could be done through online stalking where you monitor their social media accounts. Spying could be getting into your partner’s email accounts when they’re away from their computer. Spying can also be stepped up a notch where you illegally record or key-log your current or ex-partner. Spying is unhealthy for anyone, that is unless your an official spy and it’s your job, but we don’t need to open that can of worms. I personally feel that spying as a means to find out more details to either control a person or manipulate them is abusive.

Let me be very clear, I am talking about syping on someone who you’re in a domestic relationship with. This is the part where domestic abuse comes into play and is the focus of my discussion today.

Why do Partners’ Spy?

Based on my personal experiences and obsession with psychology, I think that a partner spies on their “loved one” because of their own insecurities. Perhaps someone places recording devices in your home, vehicle or smartphones as a means to prove to themselves that you’re loyal to them. Some partner’s spy simply because they have control issues and need to know their partner’s every waking movement. They need to have that control to know that the person “belongs to them” as if the partner is a piece of property. Who knows why partner’s spy on the one that they told they loved without conditions, but people do it. And it’s abusive.

I do believe that anyone who’s experienced this type of domestic abuse needs to learn how to let go of the reason. You’ll never have closure as to why the partner that you loved so much felt the need to spy on you. It will break your soul and your heart. You will feel uneasy everywhere you turn.

Why Do You Still Love that Partner?

Many people who were in this type of abusive situation got used to making up excuses for their partner. Chances are if you were in a relationship with someone who felt the need to overstep this boundary with you, they were really good at manipulating you into thinking that they were just insecure at that moment and that this wouldn’t happen ever again.  I personally think that someone who was abused in this way got used to accepting this thought, “well I am not doing anything wrong so who cares if checking my email makes him/her feel better. I have nothing to hide.” Stop making excuses! You can still love this person but you’re going to have to move on and acknowledge that this was abusive. If you really think about conversations and keep your head about you, you’ll start to put two and two together and realize that this partner was spying on you for a long time.

I also believe that abused people tend to love their partner still because they were living a life where making excuses for their abusive partner became second nature. An abusive person has figured out how to say the right words, how to speak in the right tone, how to apologize without truly apologizing and how to manipulate you back into feeling bad for them so that they can gain control over you again. You will love this person because there were good moments. There were good memories. It was not all bad, because the reality is – an abusive relationship doesn’t have to be 100% evil.

You Deserve Better!

Step one to dealing with this type of sneaky behavior is to reach out for help and advice. There are places like Woman’s Supportive Services that can assist in guiding you towards knowing the laws of Domestic Abuse in your state. My state of NH recognizes illegal wiretapping aka spying on a domestic partner or spouse as stalking domestic abuse. Each state is different in what they will recognize as abuse, but most states do recognize that recording someone without their permission is indeed illegal. Even though you still have feelings for your partner and you feel like they deserve another chance, you need to remember that YOU DESERVE BETTER.

At the end of the day, you need to remember how many chances you gave your abusive ex-partner. You need to remember how many chances they got before you finally stood strong and walked or ran away. You can still have the love for someone who treated you so poorly and invaded your privacy illegally due to their own insecurities or control issues, but you don’t have to put yourself back in that position. Be realistic about this situation, remember all of the times you accepted the fake apologies. Remember all of the times that ex-partner made all of the right moves to suck you back in, only to find out they were betraying you the entire time.

You Don’t Have to Hate

You do not have to hate the person who betrayed you in an abusive way. Hate and revenge will only fuel you to be a negative person. Again, I am completely new to this type of scenario but for me, I personally feel like you should let go of trying to comprehend the mind of a human who is willing to do this not only to you but to their exes and learn that some people simply can’t love without feeling some level of control over another human being. You cannot change the person who did these things to you. It’s not your responsibility. Sometimes you can get a restraining order to protect yourself from domestic abuse if your state takes abuse seriously, I’ve heard some states are a nightmare with this. That restraining order will give you time to heal and perhaps give that ex-partner time to learn how their insecurities or control issues destroyed another human beings soul. You will still feel what you think is love towards that person because a bond was made. Abusive or not, bonds aren’t easily broken. Just stay true to you and do not let a bad situation turn your heart dark.

I will heal, I always bounce back. YOU CAN HEAL TOO! Do not let an abusive situation turn you negative or vengeful, it isn’t worth it.

If you or someone you know is a victim of Domestic Abuse and isn’t sure how to seek help, they can call The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Even if you think that you may be in an abusive relationship, make the call. They won’t be upset with you for asking a question. I found another resource called Inc. W.O.M.A.N where you can reach out to seek more help, advice, and referrals to your local organization that helps with leaving an abusive relationship.


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