I\’m struggling to find the words to define the shift I am going through. I\’ve watched other women get overwhelmed, stressed out, depressed, and all of the deeper, heavier emotions as they shifted into their year of expecting that empty nest. I watched them crumble fully and light a match to their entire existence.
I watched without judgment. I often watched with concern, with love, and with curiosity. What is it that makes women get so upset when their children are done living at home and ready to venture out into the world? Is that not what we raise these little humans to do?
I understand the feeling, trust me! OH boy! I get it. I am having feelings about my kids growing up, but it\’s different. It is this feeling that I cannot quite define, perhaps bittersweet? That\’s not quite the word, for it has some regret in the definition.
One thing about me, I do not regret things. I embrace each season of life with whatever it taught me. Perhaps raising kids taught me that no parent ever gets it right 100% of the time. You see, my daughter became an adult and started evaluating their feelings, only to share (not my story to share), I left her feeling a certain way in at least one season of raising her.
Did that hurt to hear? Of course it did! Did I cry? Of course I did (do you even know me? I CRY A LOT). Did I lash out at her? Absolutely not! Did I beat myself up about the choices I made back then that caused her to feel this way? Again, absolutely not!
It seems to me that being a parent helps humble us a little bit. I swear we all go into parenting thinking that we know exactly how we will handle a situation, and we for sure will NOT be like our parents in certain ways.
The reality is that … we so often live in this auto-pilot mode, because we are mostly raised for survival of the individual in our culture, so it seems that mentality doesn\’t bode well with parenthood. We make mistakes. We get caught up in the emotions of it all, and when we get stuck into some parenting situation that feels uncertain, or we are having stressful events in other areas of life (bills, relationships, etc) our brain tries to go to the shortest distance for a response.
This is where we make the mistakes of those who walked this path before us. We lash out and say things we shouldn\’t. We go into survival mode and perhaps date people who are harmful to our child\’s well-being. We lash out and say not so awesome things. We do the little things that our child clings to when they become an adult, why?
Well, did you cling (for a time, at least) to the memories of a time when your parent(s) hurt your feelings? I am certain there is an abundance of good memories that made you feel loved, but you cling to those moments when your parent(s) mistreated you, misspoke, or made a choice that didn\’t align with what you feel was in your best interest.
We all do it, we all repeat these patterns. It is extremely difficult to work through patterns and change them. It is fairly easy to awaken ot the patterns, and recognize them, but in practice … I have watched myself and others continue to make the same mistakes completely unaware that it is even happening.
This is what I feel the human experience is – repetitive patterns until a part of us awakens to something deeper, more purposeful, more fulfilling, and more calm. We shed the old patterns one by one, we let out the tears of release of this energy we\’ve held onto for many years; in fact, some of our pains come from our ancestors that we hold closely without knowing.
I recall the first time I realized that I had repeated the patterns of my parent(s) in some ways. Between the drinking after the kids went to sleep just to \’take the edge off\’ and the lashing out when overwhelmed and scared (although I didn\’t know it was fear back then), they are all patterns repeated through my ancestrial lineage, and I am sure you can relate to this on some level, even if you\’re not sharing it as publicly and raw as I am.
You don\’t have to share these thoughts and experiences with the world, but I share what I am called to share, and today on the birthday of my youngest child of three; I am called to walk down memory lane and remind you (and myself) that we don\’t ever get things 100% right all of the time, but when we LIVE fully, we truly LIVE with our hearts wide open to let in the love and kindness of others, and to show ourselves (and the parents before us) some grace when we miststep, then in that moment in that very moment where you LET GO of the rigidness of \”I won\’t be my parents\”, something magical happens; you actually start to feel calmer, and you bring out the best parts of your parental units that walked this world before you – not just your Mom and Dad, but your great-grandpraents, and the grandparents before them, and so forth.
They welcome you into this world of receiving knowledge to be a good elder, as you venture into the world of having adult children. Had you not experienced the version of you as a parent, and made those mistakes, you would not see the beauty in the person you are – darkness and lightness combined to be a beautiful experience in this human body in this lifetime.
So, today as I sit down and shed a little tear of love, remembering the day this kid was born and his Dad snuck me snickers, and Mt Dew into the hospital room ( was addicted to such things back then) I remember this blue eyed, dark black curly hair baby who laughed and laughed so much from day one. Out of all three of my kids, this one came into the world with such a joyous heart and smile that made everyone melt, and today?
Yeah, he pretty much does the same. Watch out, ladies. 🤣🙏 That said, he is truly a good egg, and so are the other two kiddos. It has been a blessing to raise these kids; they have taught me more about myself and humankind than I would have ever learned had I not experienced the joy of raising kids.
If someone asked me today what I have for advice as they journey into the adult parenting world, I\’d have to say,
\”Please keep an open mind and remember that your parenting life has not ended, it is simply a new season of being a parent that has begun. Welcome the time with open arms, remember how blessed you are to be here experiencing this, and be prepraed to create a whole new version of you, as you enter the world that no longer needs you to put your children before yourself in the same ways as you\’d grown accustomed to doing … in some ways you are free to be YOU, and that, my friends, is something to be grateful for.\”