The Whole Boundaries Thing

My first reality check, or one of the firsts, during the season of working through my shadows (a work that will be a forever project of mine, I am sure), was that I was taught to need to know who, what, where, why, and how as a young child who expressed an interest in being a journalist.

The reality is that you cannot answer all of these questions when you\’re dealing with the shadow work. This type of work deals with recognizing patterns or behaviors in yourself today that were often created when you were a young child, if not infant stage … so how can you know the who, what, when, where, why, or how? You can\’t, well, I suppose you could get hypnotized to see what comes up, but I believe that is reserved for special people who are ready for it.

What is shadow work?

Shadow work is the practice of exploring, acknowledging, and integrating the parts of yourself that you usually suppress, deny, or hide; often called your “shadow.”

These shadow aspects can include hidden emotions, fears, unresolved traumas, unhealthy patterns, or traits you were taught to reject. The term comes from psychologist Carl Jung, who described the “shadow self” as the unconscious part of the psyche that influences how we think, feel, and act, even when we aren’t aware of it.

Doing shadow work means shining light on those hidden parts, not to judge or get rid of them, but to understand and integrate them. By doing so, you gain self-awareness, emotional healing, and inner balance. Many people use journaling, meditation, therapy, or spiritual practices to do shadow work.

There are so many things that we hold onto from our childhood that we do not recognize as such. Case in point, when I went through the previous relationship I discussed briefly in the past blog post, I thought it was his fault that everything transpired the way it did. While he did have his own part to play in it, and the choices made were harmful, at the end of the day, I cannot do anything about that. Justice was served, things were settled, and time moved on further into the spiral of life.

As the dust settled, so too did my hurt feelings, and during the calmer moments and space in between then and now, I was able to recognize a pattern (or two) that caused that situation in the first place. The one I wish to discuss today is … boundaries!

The biggest difficulty I had, and still sometimes do, is using NO as a full sentence and becoming clear on what I need/want while standing firm on that when faced with someone who may express hurt feelings, expressions of sadness, or anger, etc.

As a reader of energy in people, I often read the expressions and energies of others, and in the past, held them as my own, for I didn\’t know any better, and could not bear to be honest with the person about my boundaries.

One thing I have learned is that when I read the energy of others, especially men, they tend to tell me that I am crazy or too emotional or too sensitive, so that begins to unravel my trust in my intuitive guidance. This begins to unravel my belief system in how wonderful my energy reading skills are.

Now, of course, I can get the read wrong. I am human. There are plenty of reasons why the read on a person could be inaccurate, and I am aware of those usually. The thing is, most of the time, the reading I get is confirmed by the actions of the person.

Food for thought. I wonder if I read the soul level energy, and the person isn\’t on that level, so they feel I am incorrect, but the reality is I look deeper and perhaps the deeper I look/feel, the more I know about them on a level that they just haven\’t reached yet within their self.

I\’ve often found that if I pay close enough attention to the patterns of others, I can learn more about what their energy and actions combined are saying about their true desires or priorities right now. It isn\’t always pretty, but we are not always \”pretty\” as human beings, are we?

Hence, the shadow work, the not-so-pretty side of ourselves that we shunned and hid a long time ago because someone made us feel a certain way about that side of us, and thus we felt it only reasonable to disappear that part of our whole.

The Whole Boundaries Thing

The realization that I came to over therapy, and mostly having moved to the White Mountains in New Hampshire, is that I didn\’t have the right boundaries set in place to be confident in what I needed or wanted from a situation.

I don\’t really care to dive into all of the details, as they are somewhat blurry. I do recall what people told me about an ex, and the warnings I had from not only his past relations with humans or girlfriends, but also police officers and such!

That said, this is about my shadow work, not my past \”story\” of this chapter.

There are many other chapters that have made me realize that I am not good with boundaries. I do not wish to allow someone else to feel pain due to me speaking my truth. For example, as I am typing this, I am going through the same feeling I had before meeting this ex – I need some solo time. I need some space to reside with my dog(s) that allows me to do more of my inner healing and spiritual work without the chaos that ensues in this damn apartment, but what am I doing to change it?

Not much. I feel stuck. I feel defeated. I feel scared. I feel all of the things I feel when I speak my truth, but wonder how it will HARM others. Even though this is coming from a space of love and calm … I still worry about others and do not stand firm on my boundary of this is what I need.

I lean into the regular robotic life of helping the 17 and 19 year old sons, of doing the roles that their Dad and I have built in from years of co-parenting together. I treat my entire life too much like a business, and when I do that, boundaries are mostly easier, but I want to know how to stick firm with boundaries when emotions are there.

When I feel this deep passion or excitement about a person, that is when it is harder for me to stand firm on boundaries. When I feel this fear or concern of hurting someone\’s feelings, that boundary is harder to stand firm on.

Help me on this journey of finding a way/space to have solo time. Become a member of my support community and see your name or business as a sponsor when you send $100 or more. I will reach out to you about that after funds are submitted.

So, how do we stand firm on boundaries when going gets tough/scary?

The first step of this situation, I\’ve learned, is not to get too stuck on why this is a process for you. I could go on and on evaluating why I have a hard time setting boundaries. I know that growing up, I felt I had to take care of my sister.

At some point, I couldn\’t do anything without my sister in tow. I had to have her with me if I wanted to go to a friend\’s house. I had to stay home and make sure she was safe, even if I wanted to go to sleep on a school night. I recall many moments when I had to put my little sister (four years younger) before my own needs, and that is pretty much how our life was.

Not only did that cause an issue with me realizing that my needs/boundaries didn\’t matter, but it also caused a crack in the deep sibling bond we could have had from a healthier space. I am saying this without emotion attached. I have and continue to work through some of that that comes up, I blame no one, as I am in the NOW, today, this is not how it is with my sister and I today – as we are both adults.

This simple memory is part of where I started when I was on the WHY adventure. Today I am not so much on the WHY as I am on the HOW CAN I BE BETTER ABOUT BOUNDARIES TODAY.

The best thing I have tried to do is to become clear on what my most important boundaries are. What is it in my life that I have always been drawn to but either couldn\’t because I was raising kids for the last nearly 23 years, or got distracted due to physical attraction desires getting in the way?

During my meditations and time spent writing with my tree friends, I need to be on a solo adventure. I have my dog Zeke, who I firmly believe is my spiritual protector. He has time and time again shown that he can see things in the energetic field that I cannot see, although I can feel the presence at times, so I know he is to be with me during this season of life for sure.

That said, I let my business slide because the boys\’ Dad was making the brunt of the money (and still is), so I was having a time where we had hoped to work things into this season of FAMILY togetherness, but I just cannot pretend that this feels right now. It feels as though a season of shift has become, and I am finally able to say it out loud, stand firm about it, and come from a space of love as I shared this with him a while back.

Help me on this journey of finding a way/space to have solo time. Become a member of my support community and see your name or business as a sponsor when you send $100 or more. I will reach out to you about that after funds are submitted.

It sucks to admit that the life you had once desired has crumbled into something that simply reminds you that you\’re good friends, but that oomph needed for me anyways is not there. This goes back to knowing what your boundaries are and what you need in life AND STANDING FIRM IN THAT!

It is easy to get off track when raising kids. I am a MAMA type. I know my kids come first, but now that they are two adults and one just turned 17, but is mostly an adult, I see the season of role-mates fade and friends who are soul family come into my awareness.

Speaking and accepting this reality wasn\’t easy. It is hard to let go of the stories we created or had hoped would transpire, but a huge part of me has always been to trust where I am guided (before my previous relationship took me for a loopy ride of the heart and soul). The thing is, for nearly 23 years, I was more fearful because I had little kiddos that relied on me, so I did the survival mode, and those seasons?!

I learned so much about myself. I learned so much about human beings. I learned so much about the spiritual sides, and religious sides of life. I learned so much about love and acceptance. I even learned some of this during the last six years doing life with the boys\’ Dad. It was a beautiful season of life where the boys were able to experience so much, and I am grateful for that.

Though, as the dust settles, and life gets a wee bit calmer and the kids aren\’t needing me for as much, I had that little nudge sneak in again … \”Brandy, you are an empath who needs the space to reconnect with nature, to find her powers again, and to be one with the world as you\’re meant to be.\”

I also have this nudge to trust my boundaries and NO\’s more often because when I say NO in the way of setting a boundary with someone, I am freeing them to do the same in their world. I am freeing them to learn what their NO and YES are, without them having to rely too heavily on my presence or emotions clouding their judgment.

This, my friends, this is why we need to pause and recognize our patterns that are making a piece of us wilt away; when we allow a piece of ourselves to be hidden or demonized, we are only doing that to the whole of humanity.

Let us learn to be confident, compassionate, and courageous in our YES and in our NO in this lifetime so that we can not only stand firm in a confident, loving space as ourselves, but we can inspire others to do the same.

Together we can change the world, one light spark at a time. Until we meet again … here is my thought to share with you to ponder …

What area of your life do you keep being led back to in a way that makes you feel as though it is not right for you any longer? Are you struggling with accepting this, and is that because you are not setting a good boundary?

Perhaps visit the areas where you get angered and feel more confident to scream your boundary. In those moments, the anger is making you scream the true needs of your soul, so please learn to pause and revisit what has come up during angry or frustrated moments for you, and lean into that to learn more about what boundaries you need to set in place, and set them during a time of calm so that the other person knows clearly where you stand, and what you just have to do to get yourself back to feeling whole.