I’ve been living my life with yes, and no, and maybes for a long time – just like the rest of you out there! While raising the kids I seemed to have less worry about if I said yes, or no to something. I didn’t quite think much beyond “this feels right” and “that feels wrong” to do or whatnot.
My choices pretty much stemmed from what made sense to me.
March of 2006, while I was sick often with pregnancy with the second child, I gave my letter of resignation to a job that I LOVED. I chose to stay home full time and make money on the computer on the internet.
Did I know what I’d be doing?
Nope.
Did I have any idea how to make money on the internet with my home computer?
Nope.
Did I survive?
Yes.
I am in year 20 of having either worked part-time at a job plus being a freelancer or being a full time freelancer without any “job” outside of the home. Sprinkle in some months and/or years having been on various forms of state assistance such as cash or food benefits from the government, and well, that’s a synopsis of how I was living for the last twenty years plus!
I’ve been a mom for over half of my LIFE.
What?!
Sometimes I swear it is shocking to realize that most of my life I have been MOM to 3 kids, and of course that required me to change who I was to become who they needed me to be, while struggling with not having any idea of who I am to my core.
I thought I knew.
I mean, I do know. I am Brandy Ellen, born to teen parents, and I have a younger sibling, plus many step-siblings over the years. I am an optimist by nature in many cases, although in the last 10 years or so, my optimism has been challenged a lot.
So, anyway, now I stand here, rather sit here, at my desk typing this after an OCIA class, wondering why God planted me where I am today, and how I can let God lead me more.
I had no problems letting Spirit guide me last year, as I walked frequently in nature, journaled while sitting against a tree or near a water source (or both). That habit is what led me to realize I needed to stay up north while my sons and their Dad moved back down where we came from.
The boys, my sons, have been thriving in their lives, so I know going back down there made sense for them. Otherwise, God would have provided a different outcome for them. Rather, God provided them with whatever it is they’re having in their lives that makes them achieve their goals for their purpose in life.
But am I thriving?
And if not, why am I not thriving?
Who am I supposed to be?
Why did God intend me to stay up here and land me living how I am living if I feel so conflicted?
What is this season of empty-nest Mama mean for me?
Who am I in this empty nest season?
Using my kids as my WHY for building a business over the last 20 years made sense; it came easy! If it comes to someone else, especially my kids, I will do the hard work to make something happen. They were not adults yet; it was my JOB to be doing these types of things to make the best possible choices I could in each given season of our lives together as Mama and children.
Now that it is me, and the kids are grown, why can I not be the most important WHY in my life choices?
Why is it that when it’s just my partner and me, I cannot find that passion in my soul to drive forward with “knowing” where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do, and who I am in this season?
Who am I?
Again, I am Brandy Ellen, born to teen parents with siblings and have adult children … who is living in northern Vermont and has a job two days a week, and is a certified goal success life coach who can help YOU pinpoint where you need to go based on a quick discussion, but cannot seem to do the same for herself.
That said, I do know one thing: I am on a Faith journey right now, and that, my friends, feels purposeful. I have a church family, with people who seem to want to share a mind, body, and spirit connection. They encourage Faith and Logic/reasoning to work together to teach you how to live, how to be, and how to show up for yourself and others in this world.
That, right now, is the one part of my life I have this inner knowing – that I am meant to be attending the classes I am attending and meeting the people I am meeting both at church and at my job. I do feel like this is something purposeful, and that in trusting that part will lead me into learning who Brandy Ellen is in the season of life that brings me an empty nest, and those emotions that stem from a MAMA who misses being a MOM in everyday life …
I pray you find a way to cope with this season in your life, too! Trusting that you can pause and enjoy the day without knowing for sure where you’re heading. It will be just as it is meant to be.
