I’ve always forgiven others, in time. Some scenarios take longer for me to get there than others. The longest part has been fully forgiving myself for things I did against my better judgment.
I’m honestly not certain on how to forgive myself. How can I? There are so many things I cannot remember. The years of heavy alcohol consumption and not knowing how to say no. Of being fearful to say no for no other reason than being afraid to say no.
It wasn’t even like, in most instances, I was afraid of the person ,but perhaps something inside of me was afraid of what no had gotten me in my life. That anger. The yelling. The threats and so, is get drunk and I’d not say yes and not say no. I’d just do whatever was necessary to make that person seem fine so they could move on away from me or in some cases I wanted to believe they loved me or at least liked me on some level.
Sadly, how could anyone like me when I didn’t even like me enough to say NO and stand up for my sovereignty as a person, as a girl and as a woman with the right to have love. To have the love and treatment I desire. To have someone who would stand up for me instead of hiding me behind some closed door … I think I always wanted some one else to love me and stand up for me because I didn’t know how to do either … and I’m still learning.
But man, it’s about damn time I forgive that younger me. The child who shouldn’t have ever been in the position to be quiet to not wake the others up when this grown adult was to be the response trusting one.
The man who would keep doing things because the no wasnt enough once or twice e in fact I quickly learned no sometimes just made it get over faster rather than being a firm statement.
In time, I would love the ones who couldn’t love me back or if they did, I always find a way to make sure I become unlovable.
It’s this generational pattern and I’m going to break it by starting with forgiving myself and letting my younger me know that she is safe, she is secure, she is cared for, and she is loved so very damn much.