I went to bed super early last night. I literally was shaking, freezing, and sick to my stomach. I know it’s stress or anxiety or not living in a way that makes me happiest is getting to my soul. My soul is tired and now it’s getting sick.
I have been working day in and day out. Just to reach deadlines or make more money because I have to pay weekly rent. Weekly rent on a freelancer job where you get paid sporadically throughout the month rather than a weekly paycheck means you literally are just working to survive week to week. I will admit that it’s discouraging, but I keep going, because that’s what I do, I keep going.
I slept over 12 hours last night and woke up still feeling like something isn’t quite right. I think about the times before I had my second child, I was so spontaneous. I loved doing things on a whim and I was rather impulsive with decisions. I always followed my heart and my heart never strayed me wrong. Working from home didn’t happen by chance. I left a really awesome job while pregnant with my second born child, and just made a decision to start a virtual assistant business.
I succeeded. It helped support the family and over 10 years later, I am doing that and so much more from the comfort of my own home while I try to raise two preteens and teen to the best of my ability. I’m thankful that I was able to be spontaneous like that and things worked out. They only worked out because I had a vision, a goal, a dream whatever you want to call it. That vision came true because I was on a mission. I focused on it all of the time.
This is why I believe in the Law of Attraction. You are what you think you are. What you think is what you become. What you focus on, happens. I believe in all of this, so why am I struggling now?
Because I lost my passion. I lost my vision. Everything is really blurry.
Ever since my second child was born and I was later told he’s on the Autism Spectrum, I had to adapt. I had to become very routine driven. I had to keep life predictable and my spontaneous side had to be removed. The family counselor we saw lectured me when I told him I don’t want to lose my spontaneous side, that’s who I am. The thing is, I had to adapt to be the best parent possible for my Aj at that time in his life. So spontaneous me wilted away so I could be the best mom possible.
I don’t regret a moment of having to adapt to be a better mom. Every parent needs to adapt and if you really pay attention to the needs of your children, parents adapt over and over again.
Fast forward to current times, my second child, Aj, is now more adaptable. This boy can complain about my New England road trip with kids ideas that fly in and we just go. He will complain. He will also get in the van and go, without a meltdown. You see, my Aj is no longer as restricted with routine. Sure he doesn’t love that I’m trying to bring my spontaneous side back, but he tolerates it and ends up having some fun.
As I sit here trying to make ends meet and feeling like my environment isn’t a good fit for me, I wonder what plans I can make for a positive-for-us future?! I don’t know how to get to the next chapter. I think it’s because I lost my passion. I lost that spontaneous side. I am still working on the routine driven, must plan everything mindset and nothing has ever worked out that great for me when I think that way.
Going with what my heart wants, where my heart leads me, even if no one else understands it … is what has worked to allow me to live my best life possible. When living my best life possible, I am a better woman, a better friend, and a fantastic mother.
As I get older, people who matter to me pass away. This reminds me that life is too short to stress over this small stuff. Things do work out. I get texts from my Dad reminding me that this stress I feel is all little stuff in the bigger side of life. While sometimes his optimistic, realistic text like that makes me upset because I want to cry and complain about things, he is right. So what if something doesn’t work out “as planned” so what if I can’t pay this bill or that bill “right now”. I’ve never been one to stress over those small details because I believe everything good or bad in life happens for a reason.
Right now, as I try to find my passion and vision again, I realize that the passion isn’t going to come until I listen to my heart and just make choices that push me towards what the heart wants. The heart is what started me on this work from home mom path. The heart is what has led to me positive things. The heart is what led me towards an optimistic mindset because I was living in a way that made me happy.
Lately, all I’m doing is surviving. I work to survive. I live to survive, financially that is. To make each weekly rent payment. To make each monthly electric payment. I don’t even think about my dreams, passions or vision. That is why I need to get back in touch with my spontaneous side. I have to remember that my spontaneous side isn’t reckless, it never has been. My spontaneous side goes with the flow in a calm, stress-free way that leads towards a better place in life. My spontaneous side tells me to stop overthinking and just follow your heart. Let all of those worries go and just trust in your heart that you’re making a choice that will totally be amazing.
So today, as I sit here getting ready to get work done .. I am reminding myself that I can now be that follow my heart and passions chick again because my almost teenage son no longer needs as much routine and structure as he did when he was a little guy. I can now work towards following my passion and my heart or gut, even though no one will understand. It will appear that I’m failing, but what people won’t see from the outside is that I will have sparked life back into my soul and in turn started on a path for a more positive life again. One full of passion, goals, dreams, and visions that I can see and in turn, they will happen.
I wasn’t built to “just survive”, I was built to live. So cheers to living again. Judge me not, for I am going to live in my best way by following my heart and passion, as I was meant to do.